The following article is by one of our new and exciting writers here at The Landry Hat, Seth Jones. He has a very unique and humorous perspective on all things Dallas Cowboy. I hope you enjoy his weekly series! I will. -SM
“Hate” is such a strong word, but so is “Love”. By combining the two words, I have scientifically engineered the most powerful weekly article known to mankind. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Love/Hate. By Seth Jones.
I plan to write one of these supremely powerful, earth-shattering articles every week, a day or two after the Cowboys have done their damage. They will be about specific aspects of each game, based on the observations that I make by using my five senses in conjunction with my super-human brain. However, this first Love/Hate will be an observation of the Cowboy’s pre-season. Get yo popcorn ready!
Love: No more Marion Barber 3rd down circus acts. Nothing was more defeating than seeing your barbaric, powerful, poetic, piano playing running back thrashing towards his goal of achieving one freaking yard. And then watching him trip over his own feet and awkwardly lunge into Mark Columbo’s fat sweaty ass cheek. Marion Barber was BORN to get his football team 1 yard. Marion Barber was BRED to get his football team 1 yard. Marion Barber grew his hair out specifically to LOOK like he was going to get his football team 1 yard. But, alas, he decided to spend his NFL days getting 5 yards on 1st and 10 and getting minus 1 on 3rd and inches. I blame Wade for not figuring it out after Marion’s first 5 botched 3rd down attempts. But whether you blame Marion or Wade, it’s irrelevant. They are both gone. Glory, glory hallelujah. We finally have a chance to convert 3rd and inches without having to resort to a smoke screen to Kevin Ogletree. Hey Chicago…Have fun on 3rd downs.
Hate: Question marks on the offensive line. Young players, un-proven players, injury prone players. All of this is very unsettling to me. Of course, the Cowboy’s o-line could end up meshing, and we could end up having a great year. But to me, question marks on the offensive line is like flying in an airplane that hasn’t been inspected. It’s nerve racking. Say a prayer for the buffet busters. They will need quick feet and Jesus-magic on their side this season. And yes, I’m trade marking the term “Jesus-magic”.
Love: Great receiving corps! From the wideouts, to the tight end, to the running backs. The Cowboys have very solid receivers. Athletic and competitive, our receivers are in a better place then they’ve been in a long time. Dez is on the verge of breaking out,.Miles is a legit number one/ Witten is Witten. And Felix + DeMarco are potentially DEADLY from the backfield. These receivers are truly one of our high points. Don’t even mention Martellus Bennett. You couldn’t sell me on him if he was FREE. But let’s not get bogged down with talk of over-hyped pre-Madonnas. I’m not saying that we have the best receiving group, but they are good enough to do their part in a Superbowl run.
Hate: Tony Romo could be 39 for 39 passing, with 23 touchdowns and 0 interceptions in the first half, and I would STILL have a minor heart attack everytime he dropped back to throw a past. I feel like Gary Busey’s rear-view mirror. I’ve been subjected to too much pain and misery. Tony Romo came into his NFL starter career with a BANG! Cowboy fans shed tears of joy when he replaced Bledsoe and worked his way into pro bowl status. But we know how the story went. Interception. Fumble. Fumble. Interception. This man is turnover prone. Has he finally ironed out the kinks? Has experience, marriage, and Coach Ginger settled him down? Can Romo finally grant my heart a season of reprieve? I want Tony Romo to instill a feeling of warmth in me when he breaks a huddle. I want his passing motion to act as a strong hand on my inner thigh, telling me “It’s ok. I’m here”. I want to look into his hand warmer towel that hangs loosely from his taughtly pulled uniform belt, and see a calming fabric that, as it settles his sweaty palms, also settles my fragile heart…And none of this is sexual at all, just to clarify.
Love: The pre-snap confusion. We have more pre-snap movement than Wade Philips’ bowels before an after-loss press conference. The pre-snap movement is super-effective because, with Rob Ryan, anything could happen. In the pre-season game against the Vikings, we had defensive success against the veteran McNabb, a good offensive line, and Adrian Freakin’ Peterson. Did he whoop their ass? No. But schematically, we did a great job of stopping their offense from scoring. The first quarter TD pass? Not a coaching problem. It was a mis-timed jump. Our defensive gameplan was spot on. There could be a problem with exotic blitzing combined with horrible defensive back coverage, but that won’t stop me from loving the style on the defense. I know it’s a cliché, but this will be a high risk-high reward defense. And I’m into that sorta thing.
Hate: I die a little inside everytime I see a professional football player try to make a tackle by big hitting someone instead of wrapping up. You’ve been told to wrap up since you were 5 years old. I’m looking at you Brian McCann. I’m looking at you.
Love: It’s nice to look on the sidelines and see a Princeton graduate/former Dallas Cowboy quarterback instead of an emotionally unstable Michelin Man stunt double. I don’t hate Wade. I just hate puffy jackets.
Hate: If Conan The Barbarian were addicted to donuts and Vicadin, he would look a lot like our defensive coordinator. I’m fine with the long wizard hair and the stocky build. But I hate the fact that he looks like he just ate some babies, and could strike again at any moment. Hide ya kids, hide ya wife.
There you go. The world’s most powerful weekly article known to mankind.