Dallas Cowboys: 10 ways to prepare yourself for the 2017 season

5. Don’t clap Jason

I wonder what would happen if we rubber banded the hands of the head coach together. The rest of the team might think that punting on fourth down isn’t a cool thing anymore.

Hold the applause sir. We’ll help you through it.

6. Help vote for captain

We the people have power. Now that Tony Romo is retired, there’s an open slot for captain. No, no — I’m not voting for you, Leon Lett. Still all “1993” mad at ya.

It’s time to vote for our next captain, and let us be heard! Winter is coming. The White Walkers are approaching. Ok, I’m good.

Anyways, how about Dez Bryant? What says you?

7. Lift weights

Many analysts don’t think the Cowboys are in for a 13-3 season. I agree. I see 10 to 11 victories. This season won’t be easy. And while I think the Boys will be better than last year, the competition is stiff.

The schedule looks tough, too.

To prepare ourselves for the roller coaster, I am proposing mandatory weightlifting sessions. If we start now, this summer, we will have produced enough muscle to handle all the depressing calories we’ll consume.

We’ll need those extra muscle fibers in our biceps and arms to extend for those salty chips. There will be some extra losses in the lose column. I want you to be prepared. There will be some cold, sad and lonely Sunday nights.

When the Cowboys lose here and there, you’ll have the muscles to hoard calories to recover.

You’re welcome.