IPCQ: Watching these games, my imagination runs wild..

I ntroduction: I admit that I’m not the most mature Cowboys fan in the world. When I find out that my beloved Cowboys will not be participating in post season activities, my brain turns into a howitzer. I start firing crazy scenarios everywhere. I start imagining the NFL administering rules changes. What if next year the NFL grants teams more cap space based on how many of their fans wear big hats? Well that’d be great. The Cowboys would be able to sign a big time free agent. In case you missed that, I was implying that Cowboys fans wear big hats. Don’t deny it. You either wear a big hat, or you can’t afford one. I, for one, DO wear one, while also lacking the money to have purchased it. How do I do that? Well, I steal it. But I won’t tell you which store I steal it from. I don’t want to get arrested. 

What if the Cowboys would have played Atlanta? Would we have been up to the task of stopping them? They have a ground and pound mentality, and they are potent with the play-action. Take a trip with me, and we’ll discover an unknown world.

P aragraphical Notage:

Would we be able to stop Michael Turner? He’s big. His legs are like tree trunks. I don’t mean that in a negative way. For some reason, people get offended when I say that their legs look like tree trunks. Will somebody please tell my Grandmother to stop being so sensitive? Tree legs are coveted in many cultures. Michael Turner hits holes hard, and no, I didn’t giggle when I typed that. I feel like our defensive would have contained him well enough, at first. But, of course, there are distractions involved. Two distractions come to mind..

First of all, we have Roddy White. Some would argue that he would be the Cowboys’ number one receiver, if he were to join our roster. I’m not going to give my opinion, because me and Roddy are personal friends, and my opinion would be very biased. Would we be able to stop Roddy? Would we even be able to slow him down? In case you’ve been eating Ambien, or in case you’ve been cryogenically frozen for the entire season, I will let you in on a little secret. Our secondary is not good enough to stop any passing attack that involves more than two men going out for passes. There, I said it. Roddy White would quite possibly have had a field day against us. And then there is…

Julio Jones. Pronounced “Hoo-Lee-Oh Ho-Nayz”. He’s Mexican, obviously. And, aside from Tony Gonzales, people say that Julio is the most talented Mexican receiver on the Falcon’s roster. That’s extremely high praise considering that there are so many Mexican receivers on the Falcon’s roster. Don’t ask me to name all of them, for there are far too many to list. They call him “Speedy McAlabama Receiver” as a reference to what he used to do in college. I’m not sure what they are referring to, specifically, but I’m sure it had to do with his major. Julio can jump higher than Terrance Newman and Danny Devito COMBINED. That is over 35 inches of jumping ability. Also, he is 6 feet and 3 inches in the tallness stat. That’s pretty good when you compare it to Danny Devito. Why do I keep using Danny Devito as a reference while discussing Julio Jones? Because they are cousins.

Matt Ryan is a good young quarterback. But you won’t find him tearing anyone up in a high powered passing attack. He has been groomed to succeed in the play-action offense. I don’t think that HE would be the problem. Also, I believe that we’d knock him onto his Boston College arse several times. But would it be enough to stop him from getting the ball to Danny Devito’s cousin and Roddy White? Nope! The Atlanta Falcons would only need to complete 10 passes to beat the Cowboys. The Cowboys have given up huge plays all season. Especially in the last game of the season. Eli didn’t need a sonar to find open receivers. He probably didn’t even need two eyes. A pirate with an eye patch would likely have thrown at least 3 touchdowns against the Cowboy secondary. Matt Ryan has more eyes than a pirate with an eye patch. So, if my math serves me correct, he would throw for at least 4 touchdowns. This, of course, is all assumptions and flawless math skills. So don’t read too much into it. My point is that our defense has been known to make quarterbacks look better than they are. Matt Moore of the Miami Dolphins comes to mind. Also, Michael Vick, one of the worst quarterbacks in NFL history, looked really good against the Cowboys.

Would we be able to score against Atlanta? Sure. We would find a way to get some touchdowns. I believe that Romo would play really well. He would throw for 3 touchdowns. But even with a few field goals, I do not think that the Cowboys would be able to score enough to best the pesky Falcons. Our secondary was done at the end of the year. Fatigued, injured, mentally demolished? Maybe all three. There was no fuel left in the tank. No more ammo in the chamber. No more cereal in the bowl. No more talent in the secondary. That last sentence was probably the most accurate. Probably.