Love/Hate: Week 2 versus 49ers. No gold, just silver

“Hate” is such a strong word, but so is “Love”. By combining the two words, I have scientifically engineered the most powerful weekly article known to mankind. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Love/Hate. By Seth Jones.

Everybody loves a good overtime game, right? Well, not if you lose. Despite winning that ridiculous coin flip, which is somehow the NFL’s best way to determine who gets to try to win first, the 49ers lost. Therefore they are not pleased with the results of the game, but they shouldn’t be all bent out of shape today.

They played pretty well considering the fact that they have a new coach, a questionable QB, and a banged up receiving unit. They may not end up having a season-from-Hell after all. But, alas, they could not leap the hurdle that is The Dallas Cowboys. We went into their place and silver’d all over their faces. We got physical, we played hurt, we played tough, we focused, and we took a much needed victory. Nobody wants to go 0-2 to start a season. Unless you’re trying really hard to get Andrew Luck. And we don’t need Andrew Luck. Am I right, Romo?

Here is “Love/Hate”

DEFENSE:

LOVE: Sean Lee is still playing at a high level. Not only is he leading the team in tackles, but he is one of our best special team players!

Sean Lee is playing like a future pro-bowler, and if people can just get past the fact that his face makes him look like an insurance salesman, then he will be a household name at some point. Like a good neighbor, Sean Lee is there.

HATE: Mike Jenkins. I believe that he was in man coverage against San Fran’s 4th string wide-out when he gave up an endzone touchdown catch.

As soon as other teams discover that Jenkins isn’t actually a player, but simply a projected image that we put out there just to confuse the quarterback, then we will be in big trouble. A starting cornerback who can’t cover in man to man coverage is an offensive coordinator’s best friend. If he doesn’t improve, he WILL give up at least one touchdown per game this season. Other teams will pick on him like I used to pick on that little fat kid who liked to hang out in the mirror when I was in Jr. High. Hopefully Jenkins doesn’t cry and do the robot like that little fat kid used to do. That kid was weeeeird.

LOVE: Blitzes galore. Not to be confused with that James Bond bad guy who somehow got away with being called “Pussy Galore” on network television. Even when the other team picks up the blitz and we give up a 20 yard play, Rob Ryan dials up another one. You can’t blitz until they burn you, and then start playing conservatively because you’re scared. You have to keep mixing them in. Rob isn’t scared. He’s brash and confident. He’s the type of guy who would press the red button that blows up the power plant, and then blame everyone else in the room for not protecting the red button. “I’m never wrong” is something that I could hear him saying. But of course, he IS wrong sometimes. Like every time he thinks it’s a better idea to go to a buffet instead of ordering a regular 8 dollar meal.

HATE: I hate the fact that a linebacker committed pass interference in the endzone, which put San Fran on the 1 yard line. You’re covering Frank Gore. Not Darren Sproles. Not Darren McFadden. Frank Gore. I’m not saying that Frank Gore is fat and slow, because he’s not. I’m just saying that if you really think you can’t take your eyes off of him for 1/4th of a second to look for the ball, then you should never be in man coverage. Ever.

OFFENSE:

LOVE: Jason Witten is proving to be one of the greatest tight ends to ever play the game of football. This isn’t news to anyone, I know. But every week he comes up with clutch 3rd down catches, hard fought extra yardage for first downs, sure hands, and great blocks. Jason Witten is almost as good as I was before I hurt my knee in high school. Same with every other guy reading this. Right? We were ALL awesome, right?

We just got hurt, right? Right. Remember, it’s guy-code to not question each other’s former pro potential. Don’t forget that.

HATE: Felix the kitty cat. It just….Isn’t working out. Is it? Felix is frustrating because you can’t say he sucks. He doesn’t. And you can’t say he’s awesome. He isn’t. But he’s good enough so that you keep putting his ass in the game, regardless of his numbers in the previous game. He reminds me a little bit like Reggie Bush. Everyone knows that Reggie is fast, quick, and a potential TD threat everytime he touches the ball. But does he EVER do what you’ve been waiting for him to do? No. The only consistent thing about Felix is that he gets hurt. He PLAYS hurt, and that is admirable. But I’m not here to hand out pirate awards. If Felix is going to be THIS type of player for the next 6 years, then we are just handicapping ourselves by starting him. Either throw DeMarco Murray into the fire soon, or give Choice more carries. Garrett is a smart guy. He can find a way to fit Felix into our gameplan without making him our feature back.

LOVE: Miles Austin, despite his awesome numbers and clear physical superiority, may STILL be under-rated. He runs the prettiest comeback route I’ve ever seen. He has superb speed and leaping ability. He has spectacular catch ability. I once heard someone refer to his smile as a “skull smile” and I accept that. I believe that if anyone on the Cowboys has a “skull smile”, then it is probably Miles Austin. If I had to receive a “skull smile” via plastic surgery, but I would be rewarded with Mile Austin’s physical abilities, then I would consider the deal. And by the way, Miles Austin earned my fantasy team a whopping 32 fantasy points. And in the end, that’s all that really matters.

HATE: Did anyone notice that the 49ers have Frank Gore AND Kendall Hunter? I may be alone in this, but I believe Kendall Hunter is a future Maurice Jones-Drew. Small, quick, fast, very powerful. He was ridiculous at Oklahoma State and you couldn’t watch him without imagining him in a professional football game. I hate the fact that we have questions at the running back position and the 49ers have 1 great, and 1 probably future great running back on their roster.

BONUS:

LOVE: We overcame the coin flip! God decided that the 49ers should win that game, but we defied The Alpha and Omega. The coin told everyone “Ok, the 49ers get to win, unless they blow it.” And they blew it. But that’s where the love ends. Seriously, who ISN’T absolutely pissed off when their team loses an overtime coin flip and the other team kicks a 55 yard field goal to win it. Really? Can we at least try to kick one too?! I know the subject of college VS pro overtime is as controversial as a meth head in clown make-up in a windowless van parked next to an elementary school, but can we at LEAST agree that the whole “first one to score”  thing is effing stupid? I’d rather the game be decided with a 100 yard dash. Then perhaps someone would sign Usain Bolt as a specialist.

HATE: Hey Jesse Holley, you’re not on the reality show anymore. You’re in the NFL. You were good enough to make America’s team. Don’t go all Leon Lett on us, my friend. You made a big time grab, and you essentially made the game winning play. But let’s score BEFORE we get all happy and such. You’re not DeSean Jackson. You have a lot more hair than him and you aren’t nearly as big of a jackass. Hell, even if you punch puppies and dropkick kittens, you STILL aren’t as big of a jackass as DeSean Jackson. Which brings me to my next point. DeSean Jackson is a jackass.

Man I’m tired. Work sucks. But the Cowboys don’t suck. Noooo way, kemosabe. Let’s prepare to go 2-1.

So there you go. The world’s most powerful weekly article known to mankind.

Love/Hate.