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Dallas Cowboys Crime Scene Investigation: The Usual Suspects


Crime committed: Murder of the Dallas Cowboys on Sunday Night Football.
Time: 7:00pm – 11:00pm; Sept. 11, 2011
Location: East Rutherford, New Jersey
Wanted: The person or persons responsible for the murder of the Dallas Cowboys by the New York Jets, 27-24.

First, your rights.

You have the right to be really angry. Anything you say or do may make you feel better but it won’t make the Cowboys defensive backfield better. You have the right to vent your frustrations and engage in friendly, therapeutic debate with other Cowboys fans on The Landry Hat. If you cannot do so in a respectful manner, without cursing and hurling personal insults, you will be asked to leave. And if you are Wade Phillips, per our previous policy, you will also be asked to leave. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?

Run down the list of the Cowboy’s Usual Suspects, after the break:

The Suspects:

Suspect #1: Antonio Ramiro “Tony” Romo

Position: Quarterback

Aliases: Yoko Romo, Oh No Romo, Tony So-So, Laces Out, Tony No Mo

Wrap Sheet/Priors: Repeat Offender. One playoff win in five seasons. 1/6/07 – Botched field goal. 1/13/08 – late 4th quarter interception in endzone.

Crimes he’s accused of: Inability to play smart late in the game. Inability to hold onto the ball. Making poor decisions. Being a repeat offender.

Eye witness statement:“He was a perfect gentleman for the first three quarters. Then all the sudden, it was like he was a different person. It was scary.”

Conclusion: Prime Suspect

Suspect #2: The Special Teams

Position: Special Teams

Aliases: The Flying “V”, The Holley Rollers, Make ’em pay McCray

Wrap Sheet/Priors: Multiple cases of disappearances

Crimes their accused of: Having their punt blocked. Creating open lanes big enough for a 747 to land in. Inability to make any kind of positive impact on the game whatsoever.

Eye witness statement:“That’s the biggest hole I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen some big holes.”

Conclusion: Extreme Persons of Interest

 Suspect #3: Christopher Jason Witten

Position: Tight End

Aliases: Mr. Consistency, Blanket (For Romo’s use only), Beans and Rice (with partner-in-crime, Martellus Bennett)

Wrap Sheet/Priors: None. Unless you count “Being Awesome” as a crime.

Crimes he’s accused of: Inability to forearm. Inability to truck through smaller players. Getting knocked out of bounds three yards short of a game sealing touchdown. And being TOO Awesome.

Eye witness statement:“When I saw him get knocked out of bounds, I was like…wait a minute. He’s got like 50 lbs. and six inches on that guy. He could have just ran him over. Why didn’t he run him over? I was happy and sad at the same time.”

Conclusion: Person of Interest, but we’re mainly holding him just to get his autograph later.

Suspect #4: Desmond Demond “Dez” Bryant

Position: Wide Receiver

Aliases: None required. His name is already Dez.

Wrap Sheet/Priors: Avid Mall lover. Also loves expensive jewelery. Former member of the gang “Prime Time”. He had a falling out with it’s leader.

Crimes he’s accused of: Kidnapped himself after the first quarter. Lazy route running. Being stranded on Revis Island.

Eye witness statement:“Dez is a monster.” (then, only moments later) “Anybody seen Dez???”

Conclusion: Released based on his first quarter alibi, but was asked to stay “around town”. He said he’d be at the Mall if we needed to ask any further questions.

Suspect #5: The Offensive Line

Positions: OG, OT, C

Aliases: Young Guns, Diaper Dandies, Love Handles

Wrap Sheet/Priors: None. They haven’t been around long enough.

Crimes their accused of: Inability to create running lanes. Inability to protect quarterback. Being too young and inexperienced.

Eye witness statement:“Their all  just so young. Look how young they are! There just SO….young! ba-ba-bu-ha? yes you are. yes you are. baaaaaa, bee,bee.” (Baby talk ensues)

Conclusion: Released. They are all too young to be prosecuted.

Suspect #5: Miles Jonathon Austin III

Position: Wide Receiver

Aliases: The Monmouth Monster, Rubberneck, Kilometers San Antonio

Wrap Sheet/Priors: Disappearing in games, droppin’ balls like they hot

Crimes he’s accused of: Turning the wrong way during a touchdown pass to ice the game. Inability to get open late in the game. Not living up to the number one wideout moniker.

Eye witness statement:“Where was he going? Why did he do that? Where’s Dez? Anybody seen Dez?”

Conclusion: Slight Person of Interest

If you have any information about the murder/suicide of the Cowboys during Sunday Night Football, please leave it in the comments below.

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