I ntroduction: Yeah, you heard me. Jerry Jones needs to take the reins. For real! Obviously, he has flaws as a general manager. It’s true that he has hired scouts who are able to find talented players. That’s good, Jerry. Very good. But he has sorely neglected depth and has, in the past, passed up needs in order to attain more glamorous picks for jersey sales.
Still, he hasn’t done a horrible job an general manager. I mean, how long has he been managing this team? 8,000 years? During that span, there will surely be bad times. And, obviously, we as human focus on the bad times, especially since we haven’t even seen a Super Bowl appearance in what seems like forever. But my point isn’t “Jerry needs to step down as general manager.” My point is “Jerry needs to step UP and lead his precious team to glory!”
Skeptical? Of course you are. Jerry is probably too old to play quarterback in the NFL. But you haven’t heard my plan yet. Read this article out loud in a public place. Only then will you understand what it feels like to be judged harshly by strangers simply because you refused to adhere to their unofficial rules of general acceptance and social behavior. But if you just want to read it to yourself at home, then I can understand. It’s hard to put yourself out there for all of the world to judge. But Jerry Jones has been doing that for a long time. It’s time for him to step it up a notch. Or however many notches it takes to become our next field general.
P aragraphical Notage:
-First of all, we need to figure out what to do with Tony Romo. He’s too good of a football player to just CUT him from the roster. I’d say that he’d make a fine 2nd string quarterback, just in case Jerry gets hurt. But with my plan, Jerry won’t be touched. Tony would make a fine fake punter. Fake punt specialists are the way of the future. We can break the mold here. Tony simply needs to learn how to punt. He doesn’t even need to punt very effectively. He’ll be faking it half the time anyway. Now you may say “Tony would never go for this. He’s a quarterback through and through.” Well I’ll say this, and I think that Tony would agree with me. If being moved to Fake Punt Specialist is the worst thing to ever happen to Tony Romo, then he has led a pretty good life. So I’m sure that he would accept his new role with the charisma of a white skinned Mexican American and the attitude of a college golf star who makes his millions by playing his 2nd favorite sport.
-Now, I know that you people have a lot of questions as to how the Hell Jerry Jones can play quarterback in this league. But I have answers for you that will solve the enigma in your heads. First of all..
-Protection: Offensive line play will need to be at an all-time high with a 70 year old man taking the snaps. Not only will we need to spend a bulk of our salary cap on the top offensive linemen, but we will need 3 huge tight ends. I’m talking about Jermaine Gresham. Jerramy Stevens. Leonard Pope. These are all sufficient. They are walls with legs. We would need them on the field at all times. With such an impassable wall of protection, Jerry will never get hit. But what if he holds on to the ball too long? Well, he won’t..
-Quick Passes: Jerry will never throw a deep ball. Ever. He will only throw “pitches” and “shuttle passes”. Pitch Left and Pitch Right would be our bread and butter plays. Shuttle Pass Middle would be our change-up. Obviously, this would leave our offense to be one-dimensional. We would need SOME way to stretch the field. This is where my new formation will come into play.
-Railgun: No, not shotgun. Railgun. The railgun would require the quarterback to take snap as a punter would. We would obviously need a good long snapper. With this new Railgun offense, we can stretch the field in whole new ways. We can stretch a whole new dimension! Yes, even 10 yard pass completions would leave us with 10 more yard to go before we get to the line of scrimmage. But think of how far the defense would have to run to make the tackle! By the time they get to us, we could just pass it AGAIN! That’s right. A typical pass play would be Jerry to a tight end, tight end to running back, running back to receiver, receiver scores a touchdown. The defense will be dead by half time. No human can run that much over and over again without their lungs exploding. We’d make lungs explode, thus increasing our chances of winning late season and playoff games as well.
-Railgun Specific Personnel: Obviously, the railgun has it’s flaws. But these flaws can be easily solved with the right group of players. First of all: Every skill player and tight end on the field must be able to throw the ball. This offense is mainly about keeping the ball away from the defense. In order to do that without exhausting our own players, we will be forced to make dozens of passes, sometimes all during the same play. Tight ends will be required to make initial blocks, and then get into position for a catch-pass maneuver. Receivers will spend most of their time jogging in specific patterns, designed to lull the defenders into a state of acceptance. “Oh, well he’s just gonna do the figure-8 until the play is over.” Not so fast, DeAngelo Hall! This figure-8 pattern can easily turn into a slant, post, comeback, or even a chop block. Also, we always have the option of making the receiver jog all the way into the back field to catch a pass, only to throw it to another player.
-Confusing: Yes, this is all a little confusing. But imagine what the defense will be thinking! We will make players like Brian Orakpo, Justin Tuck, Mario Williams, and Terrell Suggs all irrelevant. Who cares how good of a pass rusher you are? You have to run 20 yards before you’re anyway near the quarterback! At that point, Jerry will surely have already passed it off to a running back or a tight end. And then the fun begins. We will boggle everyone’s minds, even our own. But we will be the first team to comprehend this madness, as we will be the first team brave enough to attempt it. And we will have Jerry Jones to thank.