He has to have potato chips on his chest

IPCQ: Week 11, Dallas Cowboys VS Washington Redskins. Romo swerves, and we avoid some Rex.


IPCQ: Week 11,Dallas Cowboys VS Washington Redskins. Romo swerves, and we avoid some Rex.

By Seth Jones.

I ntroduction: It took me 17 hours to come up with the title of this article. But it didn’t take the Cowboys long to put the Redskins in their place. Let’s face it, this is no ordinary game. I believe that the Cowboys-Redskins rivalry is easily a top 3 rivalry throughout the history of the NFL. I do NOT think that the players play harder for this game than they do for the Eagles, or the Giants. I do not think that the coaches put in any extra hours for this game than they do for any other division game. But there is something about this game that makes it feel like an enhanced version of NFL football. It would be nice if the Cowboys and Redskins were feared by the entire league, but despite our combined lack of dominance, this game still feels important to me.

Rivalries in professional sports are sort of funny. A lot of the players and coaches know each other. Some of them are former team mates, or current friends. The NFL is the company that they work for. Each game is a day at work. These rivalries aren’t do-or-die grudge matches for them. Do they want to win? Of course, they always want to win. Do they want to win rivalry game even more? Maybe a little bit.. What really makes an NFL rivalry is the fans. The fans are the driving force of the hatred and angst. Washington Redskins fans are great. So are Dallas Cowboys fans. Combine this superb fandom with the successes of these two franchises and you can see why this rivalry holds so much weight, even in the midsts of a lull.

This game lived up to the reputation that it has forged in previous contests. Overtime. What more can you ask for? If you say “A tie” then you’re a jackass. The fact that you CAN tie in the NFL bothers the hell out of me. But let’s not discuss the things that bother me. Let’s get to the article.

Actually, a lot of this may just end up being me complaining about things that bother me. But for better or for worse, read my notage on the Cowboys’ hard fought victory.

P aragraphical Notage:

DeMarco Murray finished with 73 rushing yards. He also had some receiving yards. But let’s focus on the rushing yards. That is what we were all foaming at the mouth to see. He didn’t have his way with the defense like he has been doing lately, but he was successful. The offensive line played well enough. There was some good pull blocking going on. Some people view offensive linemen as fat dudes who just get in the way. Well, they kind of are.. But they are quite athletic! Watch those guys when they move. When humans of that size move at those speeds, it makes you re-think everything that you knew about physics. Imagine DeSean Jackson picking up a small horse. It would be weird. That’s how some of those offensive linemen are. Guys with huge guts typically struggle when they get up from their computer chair. These guys are sprinting around and blocking physical freaks like Demarcus Ware. Impressive!

Does anyone like DeAngelo Hall? I bet he has a girlfriend, and she hates him. I bet his mom, once a day, looks between her legs and says “Shame on you”. I bet when he looks into the mirror, he scowls and asks “You got beef, punk?” That’s right. I bet even DeAngelo Hall hates DeAngelo Hall. I would say that he needs to go to church and find some peace, but Jesus could very well descend from the heavens and say “No, no. Not this one.” I would say that he needs to get into meditation to find some inner focus, but I fear that his heart would get nervous and stay still so as to not be seen. Wait, that’s not a bad idea. If his heart stopped beating.. Then.. Ok, that’s taking it too far. Who would wish death upon another person that they don’t even know? OH!

Jabar Gaffney! Apparently, after the game, he tweeted to some random Cowboy fan that he should “go kill [himself]“. Great advice, Jabar! I’ll get right on that! Excellent counseling. Hey, I’m glad that he was good at football and didn’t pursue a career in counseling. I could see him prescribing medication to his patients and saying “Take 2 of these, and then take the rest of the bottle immediately afterwards.” Or perhaps saying “Hmm, okay. Does THIS hurt?” as he gently slides an overly sharpened knife across the patient’s soft milky white throat. I’m getting carried away again. Gaffney isn’t a potential murderer. Just a potential ass who gives horrible advice.

Speaking of horrible advice, who is the guy who suggests which running back should get the carries for the Redskins? Good lord, they were all over the place. It almost looked as if each running back participated in a quick match of rock-paper-scissors before each play. Unfortunately, these were matches that you didn’t want to win. The Cowboys did a good job of stopping whichever runner happened to get the touch on each play. We held the Redskins to 60 rushing yards! That’s pretty good!

Guess who else is pretty good? Tony Romo! I’m sure you’ve read this stat in 9 different articles, but I’m going to give it to you as well, so that the other writers don’t make fun of me (anymore than they already do).. Romo is 18-2 as a starter in November. Is it because he loves turkey? Is it because he wants to get all of the good stats out of the way before it gets too cold to perform well? Is it because he is trying extremely hard to earn the nickname “Mr. November”? I think it’s the last one. I think he really wants that nickname. I really think we need to draft a quarterback who wants to be nicknamed “Mr. December”. We should get our scouts to ask every college senior quarterback “If you could have any nickname, what would it be?” And the first guy to say “You know.. My entire life, I’ve wanted to be called ‘Mr. December”, we should draft him. Even if he is a girl. Even if he is pregnant. That would be kind of cool though. We could be the first NFL team to ever hire a pregnant girl to play football for a franchise. Oh, wait, I forgot about Tony Siragusa. Well, we could be the second.

Do you all like Tony Siragusa? I think it’s great. No, I don’t think he is a broadcasting genius. But to me he sounds like a drunk Italian uncle who never gets off of the couch and always has potato chip crumbs on his chest while he watches presidential debates and makes fun of all of the minority candidates while claiming “Hey, I’m not racist! I just don’t think black people should be allowed to vote!” Look at pictures of him from his playing days. Simply put, he looks like he used to spend 12 hours a day watching the door to an office in the back of a night club. He’s a character. I like him on broadcasts. Is he annoying at times? No. Is he annoying ALL of the time? Yes! And I love that. It’s not like he talks constantly, but when he does, it’s a welcomed relief from the straight laced commentary of Daryl Johnston. And if you made me pick between “generic suzy colbert side line woman” and “fat Italian guy who makes pointless comments about how a guy landed after a catch” then I’ll take “fat Italian guy who makes pointless comments about how a guy landed after a catch” every time. In fact, I would give “fat Italian guy who makes pointless comments about how a guy landed after a catch” a raise because he deserves more money for what he does. Also, I would ask “fat Italian guy who makes pointless comments about how a guy landed after a catch” to marry me. Because “fat Italian guy who makes pointless comments about how a guy landed after a catch” looks like he could defend our home from danger and bring home the bacon, so to speak. (because he IS the bacon, and every time he walks in, he basically brought home the bacon)

I think we can all agree that Laurent Robinson and Romo didn’t have the same mojo that they’ve had in the last few games. But he still had 34 yards and a touchdown! I am liking the Laurent Robinson pick-up more and more. I’m not saying that Laurent Robinson is “The Savior” or anything, but I think that a 3rd receiver stepping up is huge, and in a game of inches and micro-managing, this is the sort of pick-up that could be the difference in missing the playoffs or winning the Super Bowl.

Martellus Bennett with 3 catches for 31 yards. Good for him. I still wish we could upgrade that 2nd string tight end position though. Maybe we could sign a billy goat or something. Perhaps a golden retriever, like in that movie Air Bud. Anything but that 6 feet 7 inch liability. Perhaps I’m too harsh towards Marty B. He was supposed to be really good, but, for some reason, he just isn’t playing like a professional tight end who is paid to perform amongst the best of the best. When he DOES catch the ball, which is a disappointingly low percentage, it looks awkward and almost accidental. To be honest, I’m not even asking for him to get to where he expected him to be. I’m just asking him to catch the ball and fall down. Go ahead. Catch it and fall. No yards after the catch. Just catch it, man. Catch it.

How about Felix? He looked healthy and he ran well. I’m just like everyone else in the fact that I want Murray to get plenty of carries. But it feels good knowing that our “number 1″ running back is now the change-up guy for our NEW “number 1″. Murray was a blessing.

And the Cowboys have been short on blessings lately. Romo was a happy surprise, but we were bound to find a quarterback eventually. Miles Austin was a blessing, but he is injury prone. DeMarco Murray and Laurent Robinson could be 2 pieces of this offense that we weren’t expecting, but were blessed with by the football gods. Maybe we could sacrifice a goat for a defensive player? Or if we can’t find a goat, we could use Martellus Bennett.

That was very Jabar Gaffney of me. Forgive me.

 

C onclusion:

It was a good, hard fought game. It was the kind of game that is supposed to happen every week in the NFL. To be honest with you, I prefer a closely won game over a blow out. After an overtime win, no team will be over-confident. If anything, they will be more focused during preparation for the next game. Next up on the schedule is the Miami Dolphins of Northern Cuba. A few weeks ago, one may have circled this game on the calendar and written “LOL” next to it. Now, perhaps, you could write “UH OH” or “CAREFUL!”. The Dolphins have something right now. They aren’t to be taken lightly at this point in the season. With the Cowboys’ ability to play to their competition and take games into the 4th quarter, Romo’s November legend will be put to the test. Everyone needs to do their part, but the anus will be on Romo to win this one. Wait.. The ANUS? I think it’s “onus” Whatever. Anus is funnier.

Rivalry game won. We win. Now we have some pesky Dolphins to drown. And as we all know, it takes roughly 15 minutes to drown a Dolphin. So I’m looking for first quarter dominance.

And the anus….Is on Romo.

Q uickly Now..

-To all of you awesome people (both of you) who read my ridiculous articles: You’ll be happy to know that this will, without a doubt, be the only online Cowboys article to end with “And the anus….Is on Romo.” You’re welcome.

-Do you love blimps? Or do you hate blimps? Surely you aren’t impartial to blimps. They’re blimps! You must have an opinion.

-So the SEC has the top 3 teams in the country right now according to the horrible BCS formula. I don’t buy it. LSU is great, but I believe Alabama to be very beatable. Oh, and good luck to Texas A&M in the SEC next year!

-Who misses the NBA? To be honest, I never really pay close attention to the NBA anyway until after Christmas, and even then I don’t go into hardcore NBA mode until late January. I just want my Mavericks to have a chance to repeat before Jason Kidd has to be bedridden.

-The presidential campaign is heating up and all of the candidates are bringing out their C- game!

-Not too long ago, I saw a commercial for a Toyota truck that features an extremely American cowboy-type man who used the Toyotato haul hay and trailers through mud. He then quietly raved about the greatness of the truck. For some reason this angered me. I felt like Asian corporations were walking into the White House and peeing on the carpet, flipping off the security camera, and then walking out. My next car: American made.

-I hate advertising.

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Tags: Cowboys Dallas Dallas Cowboys Daryl Johnston DeAngelo Hall DeMarco Murray DeMarcus Ware Dez Bryant Felix Jones Jabar Gaffney Jason Garrett Laurent Robinson Martellus Bennett Miami Dolphins Miles Austin Tony Romo Tony Siragusa Washington Redskins

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