By Seth Jones.
I ntroduction: In sports, it is common practice to throw stats around to prove your point. If your favorite team averages 150 passing yards a game, and you’re trying to convince your friends that your team CAN pass the ball, then you find a different stat. How about yards per completion? “Well when we DO pass it then we get big yards!” What about completion percentage? “Well our passing game is based on efficiency.” If your defense sucks, you can point to your team’s take-away numbers. “We are a high risk, high reward defense.” Stats are like jelly. All you have to do is squeeze, and they change their appearance.
The NFL is probably the most misleading of the sports leagues when referencing stats. After every game, the stats end up a certain way based on a game plan that was written up to counter the other team’s stats that were accumulated at an earlier date. If that team’s game plan anticipated that you would try to counter what they were successful at previously, and it resulted in them succeeding substantially, then the stats get squeezed. Jelly, I tell you.
It’s one big ol’ game of chess. But it’s harder than chess, because you KNOW what moves are on the board in a chess match. But in the NFL, your opponent has created moves specifically for YOU! This week, they added a wrinkle just to piss you off. After the game, all of the moves are analyzed. Should Garrett have called that? Why didn’t Romo check down more often? Why didn’t Dallas attempt more deep passes? A lot of people look at the stats of the game, and make their judgments based on that. And that’s fine. What do you expect? If you ignore the stats and make up a bizarre opinion based on predictions then everyone thinks you’re crazy. Trust me, I know from experience. But despite all of this hullabaloo about game stats, one fact remains..
The most important stat is WINS and LOSSES. The Cowboys got the win against the Seahawks. That’s great. It’s time to start creating new wrinkles for our next chess match. Will we aim to puff up our passing stats? Do we intend on increasing our recently semi-impressive rushing stats? Will we let them pass but deny them the run? I’m not sure about which strategy will be pursued. But I know, for sure, that we will have fun talking about the stats afterwards. I’m excited about it. Just don’t forget about the most important stat: The win-loss record. We have earned another “W”. Courtesy, Pete Carroll and the USC Troj– Errr, the Seattle Seahawks.
P aragraphical Notage:
The first thing that I noticed in this NFL match-up of two NFL football teams is that Tavaris Jackson isn’t good at American football quarterbacking. The more I watched Tavaris Jackson play the position, the more I thanked Mexico for sending us Antonio Romo. Romo may have a tendency to turn the ball over from time to time, but at least he has the ABILITY to help you win the game. If Tavaris Jackson didn’t have a decent effort from his defense, or a stud running back like Marshawn Lynch, then he would have been twice as bad. It makes you think… Are there only 40 or so humans on this planet who can play the quarterback position in the NFL? When Tavaris Jackson is your best option, then it leads me to believe that the scouts have searched for, and can NOT find another quarterback on this planet of ours, that is better than Tavaris Jackson.
Early in the game, we were shooting ourselves in the urethra with penalties. At first I thought that our team was just making mistakes, but then I thought that maybe during the pre-game locker room speech, Jason Garrett told everyone that today was “Opposite Day”, and every time they committed a penalty and moved back 10 yards, they thought they were doing good. At some point, they either fixed the mistakes, or Garrett told them on the sidelines “Hey guys, I was just kidding about the Opposite Day thing. There really isn’t an Opposite Day.” Which, of course, would be a lie. Because there totally IS an Opposite Day, and I really hope it’s on my birthday so that we can eat steak instead of cake, and people can boo me while I wrap presents.
I know that 98.76% of the Dallas Cowboy fan base hates Tony “Deer Eyes” Romo, but hear me out. He makes some beautiful passes. He also has some great Jedi moves. Remember the play just before the 2nd Cowboy field goal? He spun out of a sack attempt with such force that the beads of sweat that flew off of his forehead could have probably bore a hole directly through a soggy gingerbread man. Murdering it instantly. He is quite an athlete for such a pale skinned pudgy man who was born and raised in Mexico. (Don’t look it up, just trust me)
While we’re on the Romo subject: Who all booed his slide? The score was zero to zero in the first quarter. Do you really want your starting quarterback to dive for THAT first down? That slide MAY have cost us a touchdown, but the dive that people were yearning for may have brought forth a much steeper toll for our Dallas Cowboys. If it were the 4th quarter of the Super bowl and we were down by 5 and Romo slid 1 yard short of a touchdown then I would boo right there with you. But come on.. Romo made the right play. IF the fans were booing at a starting NFL quarterback for sliding in THAT situation, then I’m sort of embarrassed about it. Wait, no I’m not. I’m aroused by it. Damn, that’s weird. I just noticed that.
HEY! Did anyone else notice the part of the game where FOX showed the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders bouncing around in slow motion? I liked it a lot, and I’ll tell you why. See, I’ve looked at pictures of the Cowboy cheerleaders, and I liked those too. But there was something missing. I stared at them for hours trying to figure it out, but I never could. And then on Sunday’s game, while I watched the slow motion bounciness of the cheerleaders, I finally figured it out. Those things on their chests look better when they are moving around. Some of you may not know exactly what I’m talking about so I’ll describe it to you. Go back and watch the game on your DVR or just pull up a picture of a Cowboys cheerleader. Now look directly in the center of her chest. There is a “Y”. Like, the letter “Y”. It looks like it may be made up of two separate O’s, or C’s facing different directions. But never-the-less, it forms a “Y”. Now watch a video of the cheerleaders jumping around. That “Y” moves around! It’s really cool and kudos to FOX for catching it. I think it adds a lot to the game. It’s like a show within a show. During halftime, they should just show those “Y”s in slow motion until the game starts again.
Speaking of “Y”, I’m quite disappointed that Dez fumbled at the goal line like a total “V”, for vagina. Listen, Dez may be faster than me. He may be stronger than me. He may have more money than me. He may jump higher than me. He may have better ball-catching hands than me. He may have more grit and determination than me. He may have won more individual awards and received more recognition for his career than me. But I would NOT fumble on the goal line. I PROMISE you that. I was eating Cheez-Its and sitting on my couch while I saw that fumble, and I know for a FACT that I wouldn’t have done that. I took a drink of Dr. Pepper and I told myself “Nope. Not me. I would never fumble on that goal line.” If only the Cowboys had more receivers like me. Come on, Jerry.
When the Dallas Cowboys, America’s Team, were up 20 to 6 early in the 4th quarter and decided to pass the ball on first down, I’m sure that a large contingent of arm-chair head coaches were throwing their hands up and saying “What’re you doing!?” But I am here to do the right thing, and tell you that I agreed with a call that did not work out. It was a great time for a play-action. You have had success running the ball on first down up to this point, and the defense is expecting a run. Guys, this is what play-action was MADE for! If that play would have worked, then it would have thrown Seattle for an absolute loop. Not only would it have given us quick points, but it would have made Seattle think twice about stacking the line too much on 1st downs. Chess, chess, chess. If you’re a play-action fan then you have to excited about that call. Come on, you bastards! Let’s hear it for aggressive redheads!
Dan Bailey continues to be a smooth as the alcoholic beverage that he is named after. I hope you guys are as grateful for this man as I am. If the Cowboys keep him around, and I see no reason why they shouldn’t, then we will reap great rewards. In a league where many, many games are settled by field goals, Bailey could very well be the difference in the Cowboys making, or missing the playoffs for many seasons. When we DO make the playoffs, he could very well be the edge needed to take us all the way to where we belong. The Super bowl. I know, I’m getting ahead of myself here, but good field goal kickers are often over-looked when discussing the elements to a great team. Nobody cares about their kicking situation until they are stuck with a bunk-ass kicker. We have Daniel Scott Bailey! Hey! We’re good! Let’s kick ass, AND kick footballs!
Finally, I bring you to what was possibly the most disturbing part of Sunday’s Dallas Cowboy football game. And that is, of course, the facial hair of Keith Brooking. It looks very dumb. And I don’t like belittling another man’s facial hair. I AM, of course, featured on beards.org (Not bragging) so I know the importance of a man’s facial hair. I know the PRIDE a man has in his facial hair. But Keith Brooking trims his goatee entirely too thin, and it makes him look like a picture that a former police sketch artist-turned-caricature artist drew while trying to depict a man on steroids. He needs help here. There are many other options. I think a fu manchu would suit him just fine. Maybe a full beard? It’s November, after all. It’s the time of a year to harvest your beard! If he doesn’t want a full beard then he could at least re-do his goatee. Make it wider. Much wider. Twice as many widenesses as the previous widenessisity. If he can’t decide on any other facial hair styling then he just needs to shave that effing thing OFF of his face and go clean shaven. He is a handsome man, and I would marry him if I was a Korean mail-order bride, but he is defeating his natural beauty with an un-natural face garment of abominationary wild hairs fitted into a neat little package that is the width of a large chipmunk turd.
And, despite the win, we STILL have the deal with that goatee…Until Keith Brooking does the right thing.
It’s sort of sad that the thing that stuck with me the most about this game was Keith Brooking’s mustache and the cheerleader’s slow motion boobies. But this game was one of those games that, when the season ends, you don’t really point back to it. We’ll look back at the San Fran game. We’ll look back at the division games. There will be games where key players get injured for long periods of time. But this game was just kind of…Bleh. Don’t get me wrong! I loved watching it. I always love watching the Cowboys play, especially when they win. But this was a game that we were expected to win. And we did. It was a game where, if won, everyone just nodded their heads and moved on. But if the game was lost, sirens started going off and lights started flashing. But we won, and we nod our heads. Our next match-up is against the Buffalo Bills. That name strikes fear in no man’s heart, but they are now respected through-out the league. Chan Gailey is doing a good job, Fitzpatrick has proved to be serviceable, and Fred Jackson is having the season of his life. This next one is no gimme-game. The game plan needs to be solid and the players have to show up with determination and focus. I’m already excited about it. Laurent Robinson will display his TRUE worth and value on this roster, and DeMarco Murray gets to show us that he plans to continue his showcase, and that he isn’t just a flash in the pan. I remember a game where Romo threw somewhere in the neighborhood of 6 interceptions against the Bills, and the Cowboys won. Romo has grown a LOT since that game. I expect a conservative game plan from Garrett. Sooo..Does Buffalo expect that too? Does Garrett expect Buffalo to expect what Garrett expects then to expect? Will be see 60 passes from Romo!? Oh, God! I don’t know! 500 passing yards or 300 rushing yards. It doesn’t matter the stats. I just want the “W”.
Because a win is a win.
Q uickly Now:
-To everyone who hates goofy articles. I apologize profusely for this weekly train wreck. To you people who laugh at it, you’re welcome…Weirdoes.
-Hey, basketball is finally here! College basketball! I suggest you pick a college team to follow and start watching. There is good drama in this sport. I’m looking for a Longhorn final four run.
-I’ve been eating a lot of Subway lately. Not because I love Subway. But because I hate grease. And they are the only cheap eatery that doesn’t load every entree with grease.
-When is Chris Berman going to retire? I started watching NFL Network on Sunday mornings SPECIFICALLY so that I wouldn’t have to hear Berman anymore. When he finally retires, I am going to have a party. And during that party, we are all going to sip on diet colas and scream curse words at camera men and producers in honor of his great career.
-25 twitter followers. @sethgrahamjones. Winning. Err, losing.