An Open Letter To Jerry Jones


Dear Jerry,

I just wanted to start off by saying that this letter is in no way to bash or belittle you.  I’ve heard many a hate-fueled diatribe about your general level of purported asshattery, and I want to go on the record as saying I am not one of those fans.  It is very clear that your business acumen is second to none and I truly marvel at your ability to brand the Cowboys as America’s Team, even during the dismal days of the early 2000’s.

For now, let’s not even linger on the idea that you should have fired yourself a dozen times for your performance as General Manager.  Even though you have botched drafts time after time and have made such brilliant trades for cream of the crop receivers in Roy Williams and Joey Galloway, I am not going to linger on those facts just now.

Nor am I going to focus on your stretched-skin Skeletor face that gives children nightmares all over the DFW metroplex.  I am not going to get into that, Jerry, because it’s cruel and just wrong.  But seriously, it’s really scary.  Can they let out a little at the seams?  You know, just a little, so you look human again.

Listen, Jerry.  I think you’re probably a pretty cool guy.  And even if you’re not cool, you have a lot of money.  I barely have any money at all, so good job with that.  With all this great stuff going for you, can you do me one favor please?

Can you please stop talking?  I know that sounds harsh and that’s not really what I’m going for here.  I’m willing to ignore your myriad flaws, if you will just stop talking to the press.  I am sure you can get Jr. and Gene to listen to you giving rapid fire illogical quips all day if you asked them nicely enough.  You know what, Jerry?  You can pay me and I will listen to whatever pops into your tightly wrapped mummified head, and I will just nod and smile the day away, speaking only to punctuate your inane ramblings with “Yup!  Totally right about that, Jerry!”

I’m not talking about your “glory hole days” stroke induced nonsense, because I think that is freaking hilarious.  Maybe next time you should take Rich Dalrymple’s lifeline when he tries to throw you one though.

I’m not even talking about your drunken rant about Bill Parcells and Tim Tebow.  You were just getting tipsy in the club, and I think it was wrong for anyone to record your slurred incoherent conversation.

I’m not even talking about the drunken idiotic statements you made in 1993, saying that “any one of 500 coaches could have won those Super Bowls.”  Actually that is pretty bad.  It also probably helped perpetuate the eventual rift with Jimmy Johnson.  At least you had the good sense to blame it on whiskey the next day.

No sir, what I am talking about are your comments about beating the New York Giants next week.  I know that these comments were made back in July, and said purely as a promotional tool to get butts in the seats of the Death Star, but did you not think that might be excellent bulletin board material for the defending champs?

New York Giants linebacker Mathias Kiwanuka took a mostly innocuous shot back at Jerry a month later, pointing out that the Cowboys’ owner should want revenge.

"“But that is the feeling I feel like everybody in the league has, and what they should have,” Kiwanuka continued. “Because when you are on top, everybody should be wanting to knock you off.”"

That is some strong stuff.  The media has been all a-tizzy about the dire consequences you’ve brought on to your team because of your loose cannon comments.  Even if Kiwanuka didn’t have anything particularly bold to say, this has to be something that will serve the Giants as a motivational tool.  Defensive captain, Justin Tuck, had this to say.

"“Kiwi is a confrontational guy so I am not surprised by [his reaction]. [But] we are not a team that looks for bulletin board material. Our energy and our attitude going forward to our next game is going to be great regardless of whether we got a team singing our praise or telling us we [stink].”"

Ok, so neither Kiwanuka or Tuck has anything earth shattering to say about the matter, but you should probably still offer some kind of explanation or apology, just in case.

Oh, you did.

Hmm…  You mean there’s no story here?  My bad.  Are we still cool?