Views from the Loon: The Crowning Jerry Jones (FAKE) Interview


In a Utopian world, the girl gets the guy, liabilities do not exist, gasoline costs $1 per gallon, and the Dallas Cowboys win the Super bowl every year. Oh, maybe we will let the New Orleans Saints or the Denver Broncos alternate wins every five years.  If I had the opportunity, in my harmoniousness, Jerry Jones would sit down with me for lunch at Tejano’s and chit chat about his life and the Cowboys.

Imagine with me……..   “Thank you, Mr. Jones, for taking time out of your busy Jerry world.  Dallas Cowboy fans across the globe,” (I recently met a Dallas Cowboy fan in Florence, Italy.  All he wanted to talk about was Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith, and Michael Irvin, which I was quite happy to discuss for hours, sorry, I digress) “would love to hear your thoughts on our beloved team.”

Q:  Are you going to pick a cornerback / safety in the first round?

Jones:  If I did what The Landry Hat writers, or your close friends suggested, I would draft anyone who played defense for Alabama or LSU. While not everyone has SEC speed, I’d like to think that I can judge talent fairly well.  What I couldn’t judge very well is the salary cap situation, so we had to free up some cash by releasing Terence Newman and David Buehler.  Here’s the thing,  I know we need a defense.  Swiss cheese ain’t got nothing on the Cowboys D.  But just because you were good in college, that doesn’t always translate in the NFL.  We are looking at all of the defensive prospects available, we plan to sign a high-profile cornerback in free agency, and we’ll make a smart decision with the 14th pick in the draft.

Q:  Will you consider picking up a serviceable backup QB in the event Tony goes down?

Jones:  Remember back in 1989 when I made the best first round draft pick ever in Troy Aikman?  Might just have been the best pick ever in the history of football, but of course, a three year old would have picked Troy in that draft.  With Tony Romo susceptible to injuries, we do need a top caliber backup to relieve him. That’s why I can now tell you that we have just signed Kyle Orton for three years.  He’s got seven years of off-and-on experience and we think he will fit in nicely.  We are looking forward to building confidence in this young man, since none of his previous teams trusted his abilities.  I’ll repeat what I said above, I can judge talent fairly well and I think Kyle is what we are missing.

Q:  When will the Dallas Cowboys go back to the Super Bowl?

Jones:  I expect to go to the Super Bowl every year.  We have some holes to patch, but we do have the talent to get us to the championship game.  The offensive and defensive lines are as important as any other position.  If Tony isn’t protected, he can’t sit back in the pocket and make good decisions. If the front line doesn’t block for DeMarco Murray, he can’t see the open field. A great defensive line gets to the opposing quarterback, takes him down, and creates chaos.  My 1990’s teams had those key pieces in place.  Maybe that’s what I need to concentrate on since we have the talent.  Now we’re talking!  Before I walk away from football forever, you’ll see the Dallas Cowboys back in the Super Bowl.

Q:  What are two of the most prominent mistakes you have made during your tenure?

Jones:  I don’t really make mistakes.  I have made one or two boneheaded decisions, but never mistakes. The biggest regret of my life would probably be firing Tom Landry.  Looking back, I never should have done that to the man who built the Dallas Cowboys from the ground up.  He deserved to go out in grace and style and I did not give him that opportunity. The only other poor decision I made was hiring Barry Switzer.  Anyone who comes from the University of Oklahoma is bound to be a mistake.  Although he did win me a Super Bowl, I can’t really complain about another ring on my finger. Next question…….

Q:  How do you handle criticism by fans?

Jones:  As I said after the Philadelphia Eagles game on Christmas Eve, I am amazed that people criticize me.  We have won three Super Bowls in my tenure.  I have won more Super Bowls than any of the previous Dallas Cowboys general managers.  We built this new stadium, which is more magnificent than any other stadium in the world. I have all the pieces to the puzzle, well, almost, in place.  We’re working on the defensive and offensive line woes as mentioned earlier.  So, what’s there to criticize?

Actual Jerry Jones interview

Q:  If I can, I’d like to give you some advise on how to better run your organization.  Are you open to advice?

Jones:  Not really.  I pretty much run the organization how I want.  Just look at what’s transpired recently with Dan Snyder and me.  Sometimes rules are made to be broken.  Did it cost me?  Of course, but I’ll continue to run the Cowboys program the way I think best.  I know I’m not exactly a fan favorite, but once the Cowboys win another title, the fans will love me all over again. They’ll forget why they ever hated me.

Q:  Will you ever sell the Dallas Cowboys?

Jones:  No.  They’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.

"“Well, when you enjoy what you’re doing as much as I do then what are you retiring from?” Jones said.  “I understand and I’ve done that.  But as far as running the Cowboys, being involved in the NFL, being involved in sports, I don’t know what I would do relative to what you’d be doing that I enjoy more than what I’m doing.  So I don’t see retiring from that.”"

“Thank you, sir, you have been a gentleman and I appreciate your honesty, as do all Cowboy fans.”

My Utopian life disappears, the girl hasn’t got the guy, bills are due, gas is a whopping $4 per gallon, and the Dallas Cowboys struggle to get into the playoffs, much less a Super bowl win.  While I may never get the chance to sit down and talk with Jerry Jones, we can hope and pray that he will do the right thing for the organization, the players, and the fans alike.

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