Love/Hate: Week 1 versus Jets. No parachute

“Hate” is such a strong word, but so is “Love”. By combining the two words, I have scientifically engineered the most powerful weekly article known to mankind. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Love/Hate. By Seth Jones.

I almost entitled this week’s edition of “Love/Hate” as “Hate/Hate”. Not because I hated EVERYTHING about the game, but because I have had an acidic bile taste in my mouth all night and all day. I’d rather the Cowboys have been losing 40 to nothing at halftime so that I could have turned the game off and played Windows Solitaire on my computer..And I SUCK at Windows Solitaire. But after drinking a very dark beer and eating several strips of deep fried chicken, the bile taste in my mouth has subsided. It has been replaced with the taste of America.

Beer and fried stuff. It was my tribute to America. But apparently, the Jets hate America. Because they beat AMERICA’S TEAM on September 11th!! Bastards… Here is “Love/Hate”.

DEFENSE:

LOVE: We pressured the mariscal de campo very well. “Mariscal de campo”, of course, loosely translating to “Quarterback” from Spanish. Did I Google that? It doesn’t matter. You can’t prove that I didn’t. So let’s just agree that I know Spanish. I thoroughly enjoy a defense that can get to the quarterback. It was exhilarating to see DeMarcus Ware face-check Mark Sanchez. It was fun to watch safety blitzes running through the line untouched. It’s fun. But more importantly, it’s effective.

HATE: Mike Jenkins will resemble a potato sack full of oddly shaped sticks and rotten grapefruits by the time the season ends. Everyone gets hurt in this league, but Jenkins seems to get up slowly, stay down for an extended period of time, or limp-hop off of the field several times in every game! I’m assuming he is actually hurt and isn’t trying to get signed by an NBA team by showing his ability to flop and act injured to persuade the refs to call a foul next time. And if he IS actually hurt in all of these cases, then he is well on his way to becoming a combination of The Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz, and Jimmy off of Southpark. He is just another reason why the Cowboys need to draft secondary players like they going out of style. You know, like corner backs are VIP jackets and safeties are pogs.

LOVE: Sean Lee, son. Sean Lee. 12 tackles and an INT returned for, what is essentially, a touchdown? Yes, please! On that interception  return, he reminded me of a white version of an athlete who isn’t white. I would like to clarify that I am a mix of 8 different ethnicities, so that previous statement wasn’t racist. Sean Lee was all over the field kickin’ up Osmocote and tackling premium athletes. He was playing smart and showing off athleticism that I didn’t know he had. I hope that he keeps this up, as it would be a huge compliment to our group of linebackers.

HATE: We let Plaxico have a good game. A man who was sentenced to go to jail for 2 years for shooting himself in the leg had a field day against us. I know that Plaxico is going to have many good games this year, because he’s a 6’6” wideout with above average NFL talent. But this was his first real football game in a long time, and he looked like he’d just come off of a pro-bowl season last year. My hat is off to the guy, but I don’t wear hats. So I hope he sprains both ankles and pulls all 3 of his groins.

OFFENSE:

LOVE: Dez against Revis. That was epic and intense. They are both extremely competitive and talented, and their match-up did not disappoint. Revis won some, Dez won some, and I was left wanting more. It reminded me of that famous fight where Muhammed Ali fought Joe Camel. Epic, classic, fun to watch.

HATE: I don’t like that Romo was throwing touchdowns to different receivers. He needs to throw every single touchdown to Miles Austin. Miles is my fantasy receiver, and whenever he gets touchdowns, I get a lot of points. In fact, Romo needs to throw every pass to Austin, and we need to line Austin up as the tailback when we’re 1 to 3 yards from the goal line. Also, We should let Austin run the wildcat. It may also be advantageous to “Go Nancy Kerrigan” on whoever is defending him. Any volunteers?

LOVE: I saw screens! I love screens! I don’t like coaches who abuse screens, but I also don’t like coaches who treat screens like a vial of cactus semen that they don’t want to touch. Screens, when used in moderation and called at the proper time, can spark an offense, utilize players who require space to work at full effectiveness, and it can plant a seed in the mind of the defense that can grow into a beautiful bush of second guesses and gaping holes.

HATE: Too many unsuccessful runs. 2.6, 1.3, 0.0. Those are the yards-per-carry of our three running backs. Call it good defense, call it a bad offensive line, call it 83,000 Jets fans chanting “JETS JETS JETS” and screaming their lungs out. Call it whatever you want. But it kills me when a team does the right thing in trying to establish the run, but fails repeatedly. Kudos to Garrett for trying to develop a running game through-out the night, but we just weren’t getting it done. This new “slimmed down” offensive line either needs to start producing, or they need to start eating those XXXL steak burritos from Taco Bell for every meal. Either option is fine with me. Although I’m sure that their local plumber would prefer that they choose the latter.

BONUS:

LOVE: Toby Keith was sitting a few seats away from Jerry Jones. I don’t love Toby Keith, but I would pay more money to see Toby Keith and Jerry Jones getting drunk on Jack and Coke together than I’d pay to go to watch an NFL game from the sidelines. I wonder if they got around to singing some of Toby’s hits together. “How Do You Like Me Now”, “I Wanna Talk About Me”, “Who’s Your Daddy”, or another one of those awesome legendary country songs that he wrote and everybody loved. For the record, however, I’d rather listen to my son’s old Backyardigans CD 1,000 times in a row than listen to any one of those songs once. But even the mere thought of hearing Jerry Jones sing back-up vocals with Toby Keith is enough to fit this into the “Love” category.

HATE: LeBron James was at the game…And as if that wasn’t bad enough, I’m pretty sure he was cheering for the Cowboys, since he is an admitted life long Cowboy fan. But, hey, I won’t turn down his support for America’s Team. Because at the end of the day, all the people that was rooting on him to fail, at the end of the day they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today. They have the same personal problems they had today.

See what I did there? People who aren’t up-to-snuff on funny LeBron quotes are really confused right now.

But on the subject of confusion…
Read this entire article backwards for a chance to win an 800 dollar gift certificate to my underwear drawer.

So there you go. The world’s most powerful weekly article known to mankind.

Love/Hate.

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