Recently, the Dallas Cowboys revealed a “Players Read Mean Tweets” video about themselves. Since it’s the offseason and it’s SO slow, let’s break down just how true these tweets actually are, shall we?
The first tweet is Tony Romo reading off “I want the Dallas Cowboys to be my pallbearers at my funeral, so they can let me down one last time.” This is an incredibly disappointing way to begin, since this is not one of the oldest and least original jokes in the entire NFL, but a Browns fan actually put it in his obituary in 2013!
Next, we get Brandon Carr reading a tweet saying that he’s overrated and overpaid and that he gets “burnt like toast.” Once again: would it kill people to be original here? Sure, it’s KINDA true, but you can do better, Cowboys fans!
A Cowboys fan asks for other Cowboys fans to donate “your gently used hamstrings to the Dallas Cowboys. It’s for a good cause.” That’s fair! I will also personally donate my ACL to Sean Lee.
Bonus analysis on Dez Bryant‘s take that “People are a–h—-s.” Hard to argue with that.
Up next, Travis Frederick and his beard: “Wow, rewound that Cullen Jenkins sack. Travis Frederick has cinder block feet.” Apparently you have to be perfect on every play to avoid the wrath of Cowboys fans.
“Jason Witten slow as hell lol but it works” Not only do you fail horribly at punctuation and grammar but you also fail to recognize one of the greatest tight ends in NFL history! You’re damn right he’s slow!
“Dwayne Harris makes me so mad he looks like the cinnamon from the apple jacks commercial” A total of zero things about this tweet make sense.
“Brandon Carr can’t even cover a receiver who is laying on his back.” Seems ridiculous, but maybe prove it wrong, Brandon?
“Jeremy Parnell and Doug Free couldn’t even be bouncers at a club.” I don’t know about you, but at 6’6, 325 lbs, Doug Free would be pretty terrifying to me!
“D($* it, Dan Bailey, you had one job!” This is true, and he does that job with more success than just about anyone else in the business.
“Cowboys defense is ‘Ryan Reynlonds in Green Lantern bad.” Might want to keep your guard up for a Ryan Reynolds lawsuit there. That’s clearly slander, and offensive to Ryan Reynolds. (Also, The Proposal was a far worse move than The Green Lantern. And that’s not a defense of The Green Lantern, either. The Proposal was just an awful movie.)
“Cole Beasley probably won’t be betting too many red zone looks this year. Well let’s hope not, anyway.” Dez Bryant is on the Cowboys. Let’s not pretend like Cole Beasley getting red zone looks is necessarily a good thing. Throw it up to 88.
“I like the Zack Martin pick, but it’s like getting new socks for Christmas when you wanted an Xbox One.” I’ve always been a Playstation guy, myself. It really depends on how badly you need new socks. The Cowboys needed socks.
“Losing Brandon Carr seems like a good thing nowadays.” Are the Cowboys trying to send Carr a message?! Why did they pick so many of his?
Final analysis: either Brandon Carr has an incredibly good sense of humor, or the Cowboys really went out of their way to pick on him! They also seemed to go out of their way to protect Romo. There’s no way it was THAT hard to find “mean tweets” about him!
Bonus final analysis: Football season REALLY needs to get here.