Distinguished guests, oppressed media, high roller fans who pay top dollar for tickets, and angry Dallas Cowboy fans: I say to you I hear your voice. I have your letters. I’ve received your email. All nine billion of them.
I ask you kindly, please reserve your thoughts and shut up. Put yourself in my shoes.
Let us find common ground for a moment. The Dallas Cowboys are not where we would like them to be. As of late, I’ve been working harder. I’ve been traveling to work earlier. I now have to endure horrible traffic in the morning.
It’s terrible. I don’t know how you guys do it.
I’ve tried to pay a few cars to move out of the way so that I may pass, but they realize who I am and give me the finger. Some of them extend both arms.
As you can see, it is not easy being Jerry Jones.
And to make matters worse, my plumbing has been backed up. No, I mean this literally. My accountant has been sending me 50 dollar bills instead of the usual big Benjamin ones. As the General Manager of The Dallas Cowboys, I cannot wipe my butt with 50 dollar bills.
I urge you to remember, that it was I, Jerry Jones, who brought three trophies home. Yes, that was a long time ago. I’ve lost a lot of weight in that time.
Those Super Bowl years were wonderful. I’d like to thank The Phoenix Cardinals for being in our division. Those were “wins” we could count on.
Which is why effective immediately, I propose to the NFL that The Arizona Cardinals return to the NFC East division. I suspect NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to turn this down. But I am a man of ideas and solutions.
Which is why effective immediately, I propose to the NFL that The Cleveland Browns join the NFC East division.
I will spot them a million dollars. And also Right Tackle Doug Free.
Every team needs a buffer. The Cardinals were our buffer. So were The Washington Redskins. But now The Redskins are favorites. Speaking of The Redskins, I can’t stand Robert Griffin III. He took my Subway commercials.
But I have Starbucks. I love me some Starbucks. It tastes great in Dallas traffic. I’d like to do a commercial with them.
Which is why effective immediately, I propose a Starbucks in every corner of Cowboy’s Stadium. And in my office, with my own personal barista. Only I can speak to this barista. I am taking applications today.
Some of you have asked what my thoughts are on the quarterback position. As you know, this position is the “face” of our organization. I believe in Tony Romo. I believe he can take us to the high level. And when I say high level, I mean winning nine games a season.
But I am worried about his age.
Which is why effective immediately, I have hired Jamarcus Russell to be the starting quarterback of The Dallas Cowboys. Dude can play. Trust me. I trust me. Holler.
I guarantee, with my whole heart, he is no Ryan Leaf. (I would bet my job as the General Manager, but I don’t want to do that.)
Finally, I would like to address a video I saw on the world wide web at “https://www.youtube.com”.
To Dallas Cowboy fan: “JerryIsTheDevilHeIsLikeDanSynder,” I respond to you by saying I will never relinquish my duties as the General Manager. I will be the GM forever. No really. Forever. I plan to seal this deal.
Which is why effective immediately, I have written a Will that states Stephen Jones, my son, must do everything I would do after I die. Don’t worry, I will list certain and specific guidelines for him to follow. It won’t be hard. I can email it to him. Or I’ll just write on his Facebook wall.
So there you have my response. Please don’t respond by emailing me. It hurts my feelings.
Well, I guess I’ll see you in traffic.
P.S. I’d like you to know, effective immediately, I will be going into the Ring of Honor.