It’s not you. It’s me.
I still haven’t moved on. I admit it. My feelings are still hurt. No, I’m not seeing anyone else. I’m not rooting for anyone else either. I promise. My heart is still with you, Dallas Cowboys.
Look, I’m not stupid. I know you’ve been talking to former San Diego Chargers Head Coach Norv Turner. I saw the text messages on your phone.
Don’t be shocked. Everyone knows. I know. And that’s okay. I’m okay with it. Really. I think he could really help our relationship. We’re just not sparkling right now.
Mr. Turner could really come in here and give us that spark we’ve been missing. Just imagine what he could do with our playbook. Imagine what Quarterback Tony Romo could do with a healthy dose of steady, good play-calling.
Look, I know Romo has a propensity to throw interceptions. But this relationship isn’t perfect. Let’s work on one thing at a time. Together. For once. We won’t even have to hire those darn referees to throw yellow flags anymore. They can get their own gym membership.
We need help. I know you don’t want to admit that. But I’m okay with admitting it. I’m strong enough. I hope you are strong enough to admit that someday too.
Man, we might even be good enough to play in January like some of the other couples these days. I know, right! January! Imagine that. I might have to buy some new underwear because I can’t remember what playing in January looks like. Do you?
So did you live happliy ever after when you saw the Washington Redskins lose? Alright, perhaps it wasn’t that good of a feeling. But it was pretty good, right? Yeah, it was good for me. But not really, really good. But it was good.
I mean, now we don’t have to hear about Quarterback Robert Griffin III this and that. I’m totally glad that’s over. If I heard another week about him I think my poop might turn burgundy and gold.
Speaking of Quarterbacks, can you tell Tony Romo I’m sorry about some of the comments I said here. Look, it was the Holidays. I was with my family and my dad was about to have a heart attack. I had to blame someone. I think it might have been all that salt I ate. I mean, mom was piling on all the fish sauce. I took a nap like you said. But it didn’t help. What was I suppose to do, not eat?
My mom would of had a heart attack!
Since your boy Tony Romo is staying in town, tell him he still owes me lunch. I’m down when he is free. While you are at it, can you ask him to do me a favor? When he drives over to the burger joint, have him check the weak side for any lurking linebackers.