Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the annual Dallas Cowboys Postseason Awards Ceremony where the categories change but the shame will always remain. Following another 8-8 season in which the Cowboys fail to reach the postseason, this year proves once again to involve both laughter and tears. Kinda a funny-sad situation. Without further ado, here is your painfully earned awards.
The Six Flags Award (to the player providing the craziest rollercoaster ride)
Winner – Tony Romo: He rocketed to the top of the world in the week 1 win over New York but quickly fell back down throughout the first half of this forgettable season. Tony picked up speed again in the season’s second half and had his best December ever. But the wheels fell off in Washington as Romo plummeted back to earth. It’s getting to the point this award is almost a gimme for Romo.
Most embarrassing moment
Jerry Jones: 4 words- Jerry’s Papa John’s Rap.
Say “No” to Crack Award (for lose pants)
Runner-up – Dez Bryant for showing butt crack once, twice, three times…Someone get this guy a belt…or underwear…Good Lord, do something!!!!
Winner – Eric Frampton for exposing ¾ of a “moon” on national television. To make matters worse they replayed it on live TV in slow-motion placing the game announcers in a fairly uncomfortable situation. The only thing that could have made it worse is John Madden busting out his digital Sharpie and circling the offending Gluteus Maximus on his screen.
Ron Jeremy Award (to the biggest scorer)
Runner-up – Dez Bryant Dez scored a (non-kicker/non-quarterback) team-high 74 points logging an overwhelming majority of those points in the second half of the season.
Winner – Dan Bailey for scoring 124 points with deadly accuracy and providing multiple game winners. Many will say he’s a kicker and shouldn’t be considered for this but Bailey’s reliability in the kicking game was too much to ignore. It’s comforting to have at least one element of the team in order heading into an offseason of many questions.
Frightened Ostrich Award (for burying his head in the sand to escape the horrible truth)
Runner-up – Cowboy fans Too many fans refuse to accept the reality of the situation. They either criticize every part of the Cowboys team or make excuses for every part. The team structure is flawed in a way that makes winning almost impossible. The problem isn’t Jason Garrett, Tony Romo, Rob Ryan, or Jerry Jones alone. It’s the structure Jerry Jones has created that undermines the very goals this team seeks. Deep issues that may never be resolved.
Winner – Jerry Jones Jerry is the only person who can change the structure of the team. He is the Owner, General Manager, and President of the Dallas Cowboys. That’s too many hats for anybody to wear. It’s nothing personal, Tom Landry, Vince Lombardi, Mike Holmgren, and Bill Belichick wouldn’t even be able to do it. You can’t effectively split your time like this. It’s just too much. But Jerry refuses to see it. He blames someone/something else and plants his head firmly in the sand to avoid reality.
Walking Dead Trophy
Unanimous Winner- Doug Free Free led the entire league in penalties totaling 15 for the year averaging nearly 1 penalty per game. Eight of those 15 were pre-snap penalties which are inexcusable especially at home. The penalties aren’t even the worst part. Doug Free was regularly beat by pass rushers and whiffed on run blocks. He placed Tony Romo’s health in jeopardy and made DeMarco Murray earn every yard.
The blank expression and heavy feet spurred team doctors to test Free for the Zombie virus. Results were not made public but insiders say the team fused the mouth guard to his jaw limiting his ability to bite others. Additional sources say he was also tied down to a chair during film sessions after he escaped the film room multiple times. In his defense, no one would want to watch his game film.
Raging Hemorrhoid Award (for the Cowboys’ biggest pain in the as*)
Winner – RGIII He plays a thrilling and reckless brand of football that’s hard to not love (unless you’re a Cowboy fan). He made the Cowboys look slow and clueless twice this season. Cowboy fans are not excited to play against him 2 times a season for the next 10-15 years. He takes a ton of hits (unfortunately not from the Cowboys), so word of advice to RGIII – change your style soon or your career could very well be prematurely cut short.
Supreme Leader Award
Runner-up – Kim Jung-un is the Supreme Leader of North Korea and son of deceased Kim Jung-il. The North Korean leader is well known for his oppressively tyrannical government which regulates food, resources and earning opportunities of all citizens. But this pales in comparison to the winner…
Winner – Jerry Jones Whose nepotistic dictatorship of power and opinion, rule Valley Ranch with an iron fist of ineptitude and inadvertent self-sabotage. The Jones Dynasty is responsible for the murders of countless souls of the many Cowboys fans he promises to serve. Jerry’s son-in-law, the Minister of Spectacle Cleaning, refused to comment.
That’s all the awards for this evening but feel free to add to this list if you have any other award suggestions!