The unanimous Declaration of all Dallas Cowboy fans,
When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for fans to dissolve their love of American Football which have connected them with another on many a Thursday night, Sunday afternoon, Sunday night, Monday night and the occasional Saturday night during the playoffs; and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of the National Football League and of Commissioner Roger Goodell entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of fans requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation from Dallas Cowboy Owner and General Manager, Jerral Wayne “Jerry” Jones.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Owners and General Managers are NOT created equal, that we as fans are endowed by our Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness beyond the regular season.–That to secure these rights, Teams are financially supported by hard working and loyal Men and Women, deriving their just powers from the consent of the fans, –That whenever any Owner becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Fans to alter or to abolish them, and to institute new Ownership, whom shall hire a real GM, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to positively effect their team’s win/loss record, thus effecting their fan’s Mental State and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that the GM’s long established should not be changed for light and transient causes (unless they trade for Roy Williams); and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that fans are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But fifteen years with one single playoff win is cruelty. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object, in this case a lack of post-season success, evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such a disillusioned Owner, and to provide new Coaches for their future security.–Such has been the patient sufferance of these Cowboy fans; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their franchise’s current Owner. The history of the present Jerry Jones is a history of repeated injuries (mainly to Miles Austin) and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these fans. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid internet fan base.
- He has refused to hire a real GM, the most wholesome and necessary for the franchise’s good.
- He has forbidden his Coaches to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he still Ascends himself down onto the field to look over their shoulders.
- He continues to do those stupid pizza commercials. Particularly harsh are the one where he dances and the one where he raps. Why?
- He has pull the trigger on numerous trades or signings that have set the franchise back for years. (See the aforementioned Roy Williams, Joey Galloway, Chad Hutchinson, Drew Henson, Ryan Leaf, etc.)
- He has dissolved Coaches repeatedly, without much success. (Bill Parcells excluded)
- He constructed Cowboys Stadium, thereby eliminating all forms of home field advantage.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury (Mainly to Miles Austin). An Owner whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the Owner and GM of America’s Team.
Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our NFC East brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their teams to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us, especially in Cowboy’s Stadium. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and recent win over the defending Super Bowl champion New York Giants in Week One. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow our Coaches, GM’s and Owners, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections but could also increase the Boy’s chances within our division. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity, I mean look at the freakin’ Eagles franchise, for goodness sake. Talk about a team in disarray. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation from Jason Garrett, and hold them, as we hold the rest of the NFL, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends…Except for the Eagles, Giants and Redskins. We will continue to hate you in Peace as well. Feel free to return the favor.
We, therefore, the Representatives of the Fans of America’s Team, in various forum posts, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world, Roger Goodell, for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good Fans of these Dallas Cowboys, solemnly publish and declare, That these Fans are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent of Jerry Jones; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the him as an Owner and General Manager, and that all connection between them and he, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent Cowboy Fans, they have full Power to levy War against his decisions, conclude Peace once he hires a GM, contract Alliances with other NFL fans outside of the Eagles, Redskins and Giants (we hate you guys), establish Commerce for half-off Tony Romo jerseys, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent Fans may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the pocket protection of divine Providence and Tyron Smith, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives as devoted Cowboy fans, our Fortunes spent on tickets and merchandise, and our sacred Hope to one day win another Super Bowl title.