Oct 31, 2010; Arlington, TX, USA; Dallas Cowboys fan dressed up for Halloween as Spiderman before the game against the Jacksonville Jaguars at Cowboys Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Matthew Emmons-US PRESSWIRE

My (Super) Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys

Always the salesman, if anyone could convince a super hero to try out for the Dallas Cowboys, it would be Jerry Jones.  I am sure he would like their “potential”.  But let’s look at a list of them and speculate on how they would do.

Batman: Are you serious?  A 40 something man with bad knees and no super powers?  The NFL wouldn’t let him wear his own armor either.  What about Robin you say?  Please.  The Cowboys will let him know if a position opens up for water boy.

Superman: Looks great in practice, and even in the shower as Jerry would say, but runs into trouble in the first preseason game.  Absolutely everyone in the universe knows how Kryptonite weakens him, so no surprise the opposing team has it sewn into their gloves.  League says it’s legal.  Game over Superman!

Spiderman: The ability to climb walls does not add a lot of value on the football field and tackling by encasing the opposing player with a spider web would never be allowed.

Green Lantern: Sorry, players are not allowed to wear rings during the game.  So that just makes him a regular guy that has many of the traits the Cowboys try to avoid.  He’s a self-centered egotistical showoff.

Green Hornet: Another guy with no super powers and this one is out if shape as well.  He would have character issues too.  Kato might be worthy of a look though.

The Incredible Hulk: See my previous story about Bigfoot.  If you missed it, I explained that he would be too dumb to coach and would constantly be penalized.  It might make him mad enough to hurt the ref.  No room at the “N”, as in NFL, for big dumb beasts.

Thor: Try getting that hammer into the stands, much less on the playing field.  And, if he insists on wearing that outfit, the only place for him on the football field is as the USC Trojans’ mascot.

Iron Man: How many times must I say it?  You can’t play in the NFL in your own outfit or armor.  You have to look like the rest of the team and wear the official pads.  He can’t pass the physical either with that device in his chest to keep him alive.

Captain America: While his abilities would be a great asset for the Cowboys and he would be a perfect fit for “America’s Team”, his NFL career is over when he throws a tantrum and leaves when told he can’t take his shield with him into the game.

Aquaman: My top pick if I am putting a team together to play water polo.  Not much use for him in the NFL though.

Flash: Finally, one that can make the cut.  Flash would be great on offense and defense with his speed.  Not sure how well he tackles, but he would be a heck of a running back, receiver and defensive back.  He will have to throttle the speed back a bit though.  The officials need to be able to see him run it into the end zone.

So there you have it.  Now Jerry needs to get busy and make the sales pitch for Flash to become a Cowboy.

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