And no, I will not budge on that name. It’s catchy and it has a nice ring to it.
P aragraphical Notage:
-Napoleon Bonaparte: Now, I know what you’re all thinking. We already fired Dave Campo, do we really want another short fiery man on the sidelines barking orders at people? Yes! We do! Dave Campo loves the Dallas Cowboys and he did some great things for us, so I’m not putting him down right now. But his leadership skills can not compare to Napoleon Bonaparte’s. Did you know that Napoleon is a big reason that the metric system is the world’s most popular form of measurement? THAT is leadership! Of course, he’s have to learn about yards, feet, and inches. Because the NFL (and America) quite frankly think that the metric system is for little girls and European weirdos. Is there a difference in European weirdos and little girls? Oh! Burn! I apologize to Dirk Nowitski for that awesome burn.
Wait a second, is Franc eeven IN Europe? Wow, I suck at geology (the study of plants) therefore I can not locate which species of plants are native to Europe so that I can trace their location with my Google Earth. Have fun re-reading this paragraph over and over while your brain melts over how badly you want to correct everything that I just said.
-Abraham Lincoln: The game of football is played on a field, not in a theater. Abraham Lincoln would make a great leader for the Dallas Cowboys. How can you ignore an inspiring speech from a man whose hat is ridiculously tall? This man led in the Republican party, the Neutral Union party,AND the Whig party! THAT is leadership! I read somewhere that his wife use to beat the Hell out of him.. Soooo… We wouldn’t want the players to see that.. But if we could keep her furious fists away from him, then he’d remain the steadfast, stoic, strong figure that makes him a perfect leader.
He has also given some very famous speeches. Like the Emancipation of Independence. What better to stir the souls of the Cowboy roster than one of the most famous speeches that has ever been given? We better sign Abraham Lincoln up for OUR team before the New York Yankees grab him!
-Cleopatra: Brains AND beauty! Some say that her gaze can turn a man into stone. I’m not sure if that is a sexual innuendo or not, but either way, that is a very powerful tool. In a world where men dominated, she found a way to lead and rule. Now THAT is leadership!
Also, it is very documented that she dealt with aliens to help her construct the pyramids. You can convince aliens to help you? Really? If she can convince aliens to build our houses, then surely she can convince Martellus Bennett to work on some catching drills. I’m a Cleopatra fan.
-Alexander the Great: Hey, he never lost a battle. Put THAT on a resume. He used the phalanx formation to dominate battles. Do I see a new offense? Huh? The phalanx? We’ll see about that. But one thing that he would surely bring to the table is a gay culture. He was known for his gayness. While many leaders were cold, and unforgiving. Alexander the Great was happy, upbeat, and kept his troops in high morale. How depressing would it be to fall short of your city’s expectation EVERY YEAR?? Our Boys must be down and out every now and then, right? And what does that do to a team? It kills that fire. The suffocates that spark. Alexander the Great would keep our team gay for the entire season, and they would never lose that fire.
Alexander the Great was a huge factor in expanding trade between the eastern and western parts of Earth. Trades? HM? Who could use a big time trade? The Cowboys! See? It all adds up, guys. You just have to look at the clues. And also, you need to read Wikipedia. Without it, it’s really hard to write articles.
-Dr. Evil: Zip it… ZIP IT!… Zzzzzip it. Zip it good. Let’s face it. Dr. Evil is a complete a-hole. He presses buttons that drop his employees into pits of fire. He doesn’t do this in private. He does it in front of that person’s CO-WORKERS! And guess what? After seeing their friend/colleague burn to death, they still support and work for Dr. Evil. Dr. Evil is annoying, loud, and brutal in his disciplines. But somehow, he keeps his followers’ dedication in tact. He is a proverbial Peter Piper. He could kick a house cat in the face and the cat would say “Thank you, sir. May I have another?” House cats can’t talk, so that feat is amazing in more than one aspect. Also, house cats are notorious for their lack of manners or graciousness. Dr. Evil IS that good.
Oops, I almost forgot to say: Now THAT’S leadership! Nailed it.
-Leonardo (The Blue Ninja Turtle): NFL locker rooms are full of different personalities. Some guys like rap, unfortunately. Some guys like rock. Some guys like Lady Gaga (Punters, maybe?). Some guys are artistic. Some guys have flat-out BAD attitudes.
Leonardo deals with a guy who is addicted to pizza and parties during every waking moment. He deals with a guy who probably punches a hole in sheetrock at least 4 times a day. He deals with a smart-ass nerd who is clearly the better candidate for decision making.AND he learned leadership skills from a giant rat. Tell me someone else who could deal with all of these emotional hurdles? Leonardo can inspire any personality, and, apparently, any mutant animal. Which is good. Because I’m not convinced that Tony Romo isn’t a deer. I mean, look at his eyes. That dude has deer eyes.
“And I ain’t kiddin” -Lee Corso
And another thing, I don’t think that Leonardo has ever made love. Really? You lead a superhero group full of (let’s face it) complete jackasses, and you forego sexual intercourse to do so? THAT is leadership!
-Seth Jones: Yeah, I know. I always include myself in these discussions, but let’s face it. I am a very diverse guy. You wanna talk leadership? As a sophomore, I led my high school football team to a 4-4 season. You wanna talk leadership? I once convinced a kid to eat more carrots by telling him that carrots were what made me tall. Yeah, he turned orange. so what? It was the beta-Carotene’s fault. Not mine. You wanna talk leadership? I once talked my friend into calling in sick to work the next day so that we could stay up all night playing EA Sports NCAA Football. He got fired. But I “LED” him to a job at McDonald’s after that. I take care of my followers.
I’m not saying that I’m the best leader in the world. But I’m definitely in the top 3. To my knowledge, I’m the only person who has ever led an army of black ants into battle with an army of red ants, and won. I won that war for the black ants. And in turn, they now own half of the yard, and the red ants are abolished. Who owns the other half? Spiders. But I will not lead the black ants into battle against those spiders. I’m not going to #$%@ with those spiders. I’ve seen Spider-Man 1, 2,AND3. Those black ants just better be content with 50% of the yard. Or ELSE. Now THAT…………………… Is leadership.
I’m Casey Kasem, saying, don’t reach for the stars, but keep reaching.. For the sky.
Errr.. Sorry, I already did the Casey Kasem thing. No conclusion for you.
Q uickly Now:
– Have an idea about a Cowboys article? Pitch it to me in the comments below
– To you weirdos who actually like my article, tell other people about it. You don’t want to be the ONLY crazy person you know who reads it, right?
– Uh oh, I see the black ants marching. This can’t be good.
– Twitter @sethgrahamjones