IPCQ: The Dallas Cowboys select a Tyrannosaurus Rex

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P aragraphical Notage:

Let me get one thing out of the way. The back of his jersey would say “Rex”. And we can ALL agree that it would look cool as Hell. Not only seeing “Rex” on a jersey, but seeing a dinosaur WEAR a jersey in the first place would be phenomenal. His tiny arms would fit perfectly, too. Many people assume that Tyrannosaurus Rex arms are 1 foot long. But they were actually closer to 4 feet. So let’s not start making the “We wouldn’t be able to see his arms” jokes. Your argument is not valid.

POWER: Everyone that read the title of this article thought the same thing “Seth is on drugs”. But after that, they all thought “The Tyrannosaurus Rex would bring so much power to the roster”. Well, you smarty pants’d peoples were very correct in your assessment. The Tyrannosaurus Rex would bring a great deal of power to the Dallas Cowboys. Tyrannosaurus Rex’s weighed over 6 tons. Not only would he bring the element of an immovable object, but he would impose his will on the opponent as the closes thing to an unstoppable force that professional sports has ever witnessed.

Not only would it be impossible to block a Tyrannosaurus Rex, but I would wager to guess that he would be virtually impossible to tackle as well. It is POSSIBLE that the entire team could wrap around his legs and perhaps trip him up, but they would only do it ONCE. Why? Because should the Tyrannosaurus Rex fall, there will almost certainly be death and/or dismemberment upon the time of his toppling frame. Remember, he weighs over 6 tons. That’s ridiculous.

So as far as the power aspect is concerned, Tyrannosaurus Rex is more than capable on offense or defense.

SPEED: A creature weighing in at 6 tons with freakishly short arms and dragging along a massive tail surely would be lacking in the area of footspeed, right? Surely we have found his Achilles heel. Right? Wrong. You’re dead wrong, idiot, and let me tell you why.

First of all, I apologize for calling you an “idiot”. I wasn’t actually talking to you, I was talking to the other guy who is reading this article. Forgive me? Thanks, let’s move on.

I have researched the running speed of a Tyrannosaurus Rex, and the results were astounding. It turns out, a Tyrannosaurus Rex would have no problem running with famed soccer star David Beckham.

But what does this mean? Well, it means that I could outrun a Tyrannosaurus Rex with only medium effort. Most of the people reading this, however, would start the race as a full human, but would finish the second half of the race as a mutilated pair of legs, missing a torso, with a twisted and bloody spine sticking up as if your body was saying “Eff you, Tyrannosaurus Rex. Eff you!”

Now, the faster NFL players (Corner backs, receivers, some running backs) would outpace the Tyrannosaurus Rex at full sprint. But the Tyrannosaurus Rex would still be one of the faster players on the field in terms of straight line speed.

Where the Tyrannosaurus Rex would likely suffer would be in the planting of the foot and the changing of direction. He would be juked by many of the quick-of-feet skill players in the league. I offer a solution.

The Tyrannosaurus Rex could probably contain one entire half of the field, causing the opposing offense to be very limited in their play-calling. If left on an island, the Tyrannosaurus Rex would probably miss the tackle against a Chris Johnson or a LeSean McCoy. But if he were assigned to contain, I’m sure he would contain sufficiently.

OFFENSIVE WEAPON?: When I say “offensive weapon”, I’m not talking about a combat knife. I’m talking about a full fledged nuclear warhead. I’ve already discussed his straight line speed and his tackle breaking ability. He would be like Michael Turner, if Michael Turner were sitting in an army tank. The Tyrannosaurus Rex would have success up the middle through out the entire game. Think about the Green Bay offense. Such prolific passing statistics. Opponents almost had to score 40 points to have a chance at winning against Aaron Rodgers and company. The Tyrannosaurus Rex would create the same type of problem, but without the risk of passing the ball.

There IS a problem, however. I could see the Tyrannosaurus Rex being a bit of a fumbler. In addition to his awkward, almost useless “Mathew McConaughey” arms, he almost lacks the 4-fingers-and-a-thumb that we humans have developed over the evolution process. There is almost no way for him to secure a football through an entire game. Still, even if he were to fumble once every 3 or 4 touches, he would likely score a touchdown on every carry that DIDN’T result in a fumble. Which means what? If our defense can hold up, then we have a Hell of a shot at winning almost every game.

DURABLE?: Hell yes, he’s durable. I’d wager that he could not only withstand repeated hits from Ray Lewis and Brian Urlacher, but you could probably fire off a few 9mm rounds directly at his skull or heart and he’d finish the game with little complaint. How, you ask? Well, he’s a f***ing dinosaur. Dinosaurs have very thick skin, much like the modern day Alligator. You wouldn’t even need a player to back up the Tyrannosaurus Rex. This frees up depth slots for other positions and it frees up salary cap room. Speaking of salary cap room..

AFFORDABILITY: The horrible part about star players is that they almost always end up costing teams an arm and a leg to resign them. Well guess what? The Tyrannosaurus Rex doesn’t need money. For the low, low price of 3 cows and 4 goats a day, you could likely keep the Tyrannosaurus Rex with your team for his entire career. Maybe give him a human every now and then, as an incentive bonus. Jerry has two kids, right? I’m just kidding! But seriously, we could find some DIEhard Cowboy fans to volunteer, right? Get it? DIEhard? Because they’d die if the Tyrannosaurus Rex ate them. My jokes are incredible.

THE DOWNSIDE: Tyrannosaurus Rex’s poop a lot. I’m talking about, Leonard Davis times 1,000 sized poops. One individual Tyrannosaurus Rex poop would probably fill one of those redneck pools that people keep in their front yard for those days where you want to soak your torso while the rest of your body fries in the sun. If Jerry would invest in some technology that turned dinosaur poop into ENERGY, then the Tyrannosaurus Rex would power the cooling fans in the facilities. And don’t worry, guys. I don’t think that Tyrannosaurus Rex poop smells the same as human poop. I’d imagine it smells more like dead plants mixed with fresh beanless chili. I mean, obviously it wouldn’t smell pleasant. But  it wouldn’t give you the urge to hurl.

Still more laughs. Next Page.

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