P aragraphical Notage:
-Marcus Spears: This man has shown flashes of promise. But “flashes of promise” is an oxymoron. We’ve had him for how long? Seven years? If he hasn’t broken out yet, then he won’t. He has peaked. I know that some people have an emotional attachment to him because he was part of the squad that ended our playoffs drought. But you guys need to quit it. We have been bad. We have truly been bad. If you want to see your Cowboys win, then you’ll need to get over your emotional attachment to sub par players on our roster. To be fair, he doesn’t get as many plays per game as a lot of players, but I believe that there is a reason for that. If his ability was undeniable, he WOULD see the field more. Any coach with a brain would alter his defensive play calling to utilize an extremely talented player. Nobody is altering anything to find Spears some more playing time.
-Megatron: No, I’m not talking about Calvin Johnson. I’m talking about the real (fake) Megatron. Anyone who has seen Transformers knows who the biggest badass is. It’s Megatron. He would have great pass rushing ability due to his ability to go through you, or around you. He also has the make-up speed to fix a situation where he neglects the contain. If a defensive end gets blocked inward while the run is to the outside, it is a very bad thing. Megatron would have the ability to beat the running back to the outside, even after making the mistake of letting himself lose position. He is the essence of the word “make-up speed”. I mean, this guy can really fly. And don’t think that he suffers in the run stopping category. As fast as he his, he still weighs a ton. Well, probably closer to 8 tons. Not even Brandon Jacobs at a full sprint could run though Megatron. He would completely take away an entire half of the field from the other team. You can’t run to his side. He would be the Deon Sanders of defensive ends.
-Fred Flintstone: Not the fastest, not the strongest, but he would easily be one of the most consistent defenders in the league. Many defensive players are worn down in the 4th quarter. Guys, Fred Flintstone’s car is really fast, and reliable, and agile. Guess what? It doesn’t have a motor. There is a hole in the bottom of the car where Fred puts his feet, and he RUNS to make it go. You can probably YouTube a clip of it. He clearly has some speed. Power? Well, his car is made of pure stone. I am certain that it takes significant strength to move a car made out of stone. Toughness? Have you ever seen Fred Flintstone slam on the brakes? He doesn’t seem to mind that it is one of the most painful acts in cartoon history. He does it almost every episode. Yes, Fred Flintstone has nice power and speed, but his toughness may be his calling card.
-Gossamer: Bugs Bunny has bested many villains in his day. Men with rifles, men with dual pistols, aliens who steal NBA player’s talent and look like they were drawn by the most racist man of all time. But nobody had quite the physical intimidation as Gossamer, the big red hairy monster. He runs through walls. No, he doesn’t run throughONEwall. He runs through, like, 15 consecutive walls. I myself can only run through 6 sheets of drywall before I am rendered unconscious. He is clearly an athlete, as is indicated by the fact that he NEVER goes out without his sneakers on. Now, there is a weakness here. He is extremely scared of large groups of people. What is in the bleachers of an NFL game? Large groups of people. Jerry would need to get Gossamer some therapy, but it would be worth it. After he got over his fear of large crowds, he would become a freak of nature at defensive end. Not only would he dominate physically, but he would scare the shart out of the defense. He is like a taller and stronger Troy Polamalu, but with Carrot Top hair. You wouldn’t want to line-up against Gossamer.
-Floyd Mayweather: Okay, some of you read this and thought “Wow! That is ridiculous! His other options were well thought out and exciting! But this one is ludicrous!” Well, you people are thinking with shallow minds. You imagine that Floyd Mayweather would get obliterated as soon as the ball was snapped. It wouldn’t happen, guys. Floyd Mayweather is the master of avoiding people. Manny Pacquiao has been trying to fight Floyd Mayweather for years, but Mayweather has avoided him like a master of agility and evasiveness. He is like a feather in a tornado. The tight end or tackle who is assigned to block him would be tripping over their feet trying to catch him. And imagine what would happen did he got to the quarterback. He wouldn’t sack him, he’d beat the Hell out of him. I don’t know about you, but I’d like to see Michael Vick and Eli Manning get pummeled in the face a few times during a game.
-God: God is omnipotent and can do anything that he wants to. He would probably be our best option. However, we have a better chance of signing Floyd Mayweather, Gossamer, Fred Flintstone,ANDMegatron than we have of singing God, almighty.
-God’s pinky: Assuming God HAS a pinky, surely it would be capable of playing defensive end. I am almost certain that God’s pinky could not only play defensive end in the NFL, but it could probably win the war on terror at the same time.
-Seth Jones: I am 6 feet 4 inches tall. That is only 2 inches shorter than Jarred Allen. I am roughly 3 inches taller than Dwight Freeney. Don’t tell me that I am not the proper height to play this position. Now, I only weigh around 220 pounds, but I can work on that. Due to the Super Bowl coin toss landing on heads, I am going to get a free Papa John’s pizza soon. I know that makes no sense to many of you, but whenever there is a chance to get some free food, my family jumps on it. (We’re poor) And Papa John’s is delicious. I can consume Papa John’s every single night and drink 6 beers a night (which I already try to do when I can) and put on some much needed weight. I have the speed, since I’m awesomely fast. Toughness? You know, I don’t have that. At all. When I get a headache, I wrap myself in blankets, sit in a dark room, and cry for 10 hours straight. But when it’s time for battle, I get into a different gear. Like, instead of reverse, I go into neutral. So I CAN step up when needed.
-ChesterCheetah: Distract the opponent with some cheesy goodness, and then get the sack. All while wearing cool musician sunglasses and winking at the cheerleaders.