IPCQ: Jerry Jones should play quarterback. Intro the Rail Gun offense.

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-Necessity breeds invention: Would I have thought of the brilliance of the Railgun offense without Jerry Jones as inspiration? Hell no. If Jerry Jones was 25 years old with the skill set of Peyton Manning then the railgun formation would have never crossed my mind. But I had to adjust our strategy for Jerry. Jerry is the reason behind the railgun. You see, Jerry can’t throw the ball 40 yards. He can’t run a 40 in 4 and a half seconds. He can’t power through the line like Tim Tebow. But just like the Denver offense had to adjust for Tebow’s unique skill-set, we would adjust for Mr. Jones and his…Unique… Skill-set..

Why waste a brilliant offense on Jerry?: Great question. Listen, Aaron Rodgers can’t run this offense. Neither can Tom Brady. Tony Romo wouldn’t be able to pull it off. And there is no way that Ben Rothlis…Ben Rothles.. Uhh, Eli Manning. Yeah, Eli Manning couldn’t do it either. This offense needs a quarterback who KNOWS that he sucks. A real quarterback would be insulted by such an offense that allows almost every player on the offense to throw a pass on any given play. “Hey Peyton, you’re going to pitch it to the running back and then just kind of move around in open space, just in case we need to dump it off to you.” No, Peyton would file a complaint with the player’s union, or request a trade. Hell, he may even retire from football upon hearing that some brilliant man has rendered his position nearly irrelevant. Or at least has changed everything about it that allowed him to be so great. Jerry Jones is KEY, people! This offense was created with him in mind. Who better to quarterback an offense where almost every player on the field has to catch, block, AND pass on every play than their boss and the man who is responsible for trading and paying them? Jerry is the perfect guy to yell “You better catch it! Run! Run faster! Throw the damn ball, they’re coming for you!” Jerry is ideal for this position.

Will Jerry go for this?: Is that a serious question? Of COURSE he will go for it. Jerry used to be a pretty good football player back in the day. And anyone who has ever played football knows this: When you’re finished playing football, all you ever do is think about how much better you would have been in you had another chance. Hell, in Jerry’s mind, he would have 200 yards rushing every game behind the STELLAR offensive line that he put together for the 2011 season. If he implemented a system where the quarterback could in fact be played by a 70 year old man, why the Hell wouldn’t he sign himself to a nice little contract? He’d probably even take the league minimum.

“I just wanna win. And we’re GONNA win. And I just signed for the league minimum in order to sign another 280 pound tight end.” -Jerry Jones

Yeah, I could see that.

Win-Win-Win: In this scenario, everybody wins. Jerry wins because he’ll finally be able to play for the team that he loves so dearly. He’ll finally be able to stop creating “Jerry Jones” on the Madden video game and moving all of his stats to 99 in order to simulate the glory that he longs to attain. He would be the star of the stars. The fans would win because we would finally have something to look forward to. A unique, exciting offense, with an owner who could literally live or die with a win or a loss. Because, let’s face it. If Jerry DOES get hit, he’s probably finished with his career as a “human who is alive, and not dead”. And finally, the Dallas Cowboys would win! Because the railgun offense would be badass! After approximately one full season, other teams would copy us. But we would go down in history as the first team to ever break the mold and change the game of football forever.

C onclusion:

This is a stupid idea, and it would never work.

Q uickly Now..

Seriously, there is no way that this offense would succeed. Ever.

Enjoy the Super Bowl between two teams that everyone hates!

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