IPCQ: Player Spotlight, DeMarcus Ware.

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I ntroduction:  Hello, I’m TV’s Seth Jones. DeMarcus Ware has been referred to as an elite defensive player in the NFL by national media who have no bias towards the Dallas Cowboys. Not only is he physically gifted with speed, power, size, and agility, but he is also committed. He shaved his head completely bald to add to his aero-dynamicity. I wouldn’t have displayed that level of commitment if I were in his position. I like my pony tail way too much. He has been the corner stone in our defensive personnel for years, and many people think of him as the representation of our legitimacy.

There have been many players who have entered the league with similar physical attributes as DeMarcus, but not many have achieved the level of dominance that he has displayed during his career. He is usually the one player who dodges the blame in losses, and seems to carry a permanent hall pass when discussing trade possibilities after a typical Cowboys 9-7 season. Let us take a semi-in-depth look at the man under the helmet.

Attributes:

-Good speed for his size

-Power

-Quickness

-Probably a good dancer

P aragraphical Notage:

– DeMarcus was born in 1982, so he probably watched G.I Joe and Muppet Babies. Yes, that is an odd coupling of show. But perhaps that is what helped shape him into such a dynamic defender, able to run stop, pass rush, or cover in the flats. I can see him channeling his knowledge of G.I Joe when he is in the trenches fighting off hugely heavy sweaty men who resemble Bebop from Ninja Turtles. However, I could see him utilizing his influences from Muppet Babies when he is in pass coverage. Remember the opening of the Muppet Babies show? There were frogs on bicycles, chicken rapists in airplanes, bears in spaceships, dogs who sing like Barry White playing a piano while floating through outer-space. I mean, if that doesn’t show you how to adapt to different routes and cover multiple skill sets, then I don’t know what does.

– Did you know that DeMarcus went to the same high school as Osi Umenyiora? He did. But did you know that they were also first cousins? You didn’t? Well, I didn’t either. And frankly, I don’t believe that they are related at all. I would like for you to check your facts before feeding me lies. Then again, aren’t we all related, in a way? Surely we are descendants of the first humans. Therefore, we are all guilty of some form of incest. So, with that knowledge in hand, I will ask this question again. If Jessica Alba was your 2nd cousin, would you French kiss her? Also, would you give her a Hungarian Heat Slap? I’d do both. Because we’re all related, so let’s just relax.

– DeMarcus did not play at Alabama. He did not dominate at Texas. He was not a star at Southern California. He was a stand-out player at Troy University. That is like being the tallest midget in the room. Big whoop! You’re awesome in the Sun Belt conference! Congratulations! You win a big ol’ “who gives a flying walrus testicle”. Surely, his skills were apparent to anyone who watched DeMarcus play. But we must give credit where credit is due. Jerry’s scouts did a good job. When you can find a super star at a gas station of a college like Troy, then you’ve clearly been doing your home work and you’re anything but lazy. We must shower Jerry’s men with kudos on this find. Yes, they have whiffed many times, but they have hit on several players as well, and I am sure that they put DeMarcus at the top of their resume. Unless they are racist. And then they probably put Dan Bailey up there. They’re probably not racist.

– DeMarcus’ first career sack was performed on Tim Rattay of the 49ers. It’s pretty cool that his first sack was against a storied franchise like the 49ers. But surely he would have preferred to sack a quarterback whose name and career didn’t resemble an infested dumpster. Tim Rattay probably scolded DeMarcus for not shattering his knee caps during that sack. “End my career, you fool boy!” He probably said that. Sometimes I shout that to my son while I’m playing Modern Warfare. He always looks at me very confused and then turns the Playstation off. When I throw my hands in the air and shout “Why did you do that?!” he usually responds “You’re no longer a fake Navy Seal. Hand over your gear.” Someone should have turned Tim Rattay’s Playstation off before he had the chance to start at quarterback. Regardless, he has the honor of being the first of many victims to the wrath of DeMarcus of Dallas.

– In only his second year, DeMarcus earned a spot on the Pro Bowl team. In the same year, he achieved a feat that will impress even the most “old man” of Cowboy fans. He broke the Cowboys team record of sacks by a linebacker. This same year, he got the first interception of his NFL career. Whose pass did he intercept? I’ll give you a few hints. The quarterback used to spend his nights acting like Joaquin Phoenix from Gladiator. Holding his thumb sideways and spectators cheered and anticipated his decision on whether to grand mercy, or to be an absolute a-hole. Yes, Michael Vick, the K-9 fight promoter himself was the first quarterback to give DeMarcus a gift via air mail. DeMarcus loves dogs, so he probably intercepted that pass simply to show Vick that crime doesn’t pay.

-Over the next 4 seasons, DeMarcus was at the top of his game. He dominated quarterbacks with seasons ranging from 11ish to 20ish sacks each year! He had a motor that ran and ran and ran. Every week DeMarcus was expected to terrorize the quarterback of the opposing team. Even when DeMarcus failed to record a sack in a game, he made his presence known by forcing double teams, containing outside runs, making tackles, covering running backs or tight ends, and sometimes he would bake cookies for Wade Philips so that he’d be quiet and let the assistant coaches take over.

-This past season, DeMarcus recorded an extremely impressive 19.5 sacks. That’s more sacks than Teddy Roosevelt had in his entire career. His tackles have gone down, which would be a bad sign, but Sean Lee has been all over the field making tackles so that other people don’t have to, and who can complain about that?

-DeMarcus have been very durable by NFL standards during his career. His only biggish issue has been his neck. Granted, a neck isn’t something that I would choose as my one weakness, but he seems to be able to play through pain very well, and it hasn’t snapped in half yet. In my professional medical opinion, I would say that the fact that his neck has not snapped in half yet, means that he is still good to go. Now, if his neck DOES snap in half at some point, then I’d strongly advise that he apply an ice pack several times a day and take a few Advil in the morning and a few Advil at night.

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