Well, that was f***in’ disappointing. I refuse to wax poetic to explain the failures of our beloved Cowboys. You all know EXACTLY why I believe this team was susceptible to this type of failure. So with that in mind, let me allow my GENIUS brain to tell Jerry Jones exactly how to fix this mess (at least temporarily). All of the following acquisitions, cuts and trades are assuming that everything falls perfectly in Dallas’ favor, not to mention this article is being written on January 6th, 2012. Additionally, I did not work out the EXACT numbers for salary cap consideration (mostly because I am unaware of the EXACT somewhat-complicated rules and the Cowboys are messing with a lot of dead money in 2012) but it’s close enough, so please do not send me your e-mails or comments telling me I am several thousand dollars over the cap. I will take your word for it. Also, I will save draft picks for another post because I believe it is an ever-changing monster that would be incredibly ridiculous to speculate on this early (yes, I know I am not the General Manger of the Cowboys and this is ALL ridiculous. BEAR WITH ME, PLEASE!) In other words, I’ll tell you right now that none of this is going to actually happen.
This one was therapeutically the most fun. I wish I could sit next to Jerry Jones in his office, wearing a bad hair piece (a la Donald Trump) and shout, “YOU’RE F***ING FIRED!!!!!! GET OUT!!!!!” But since I cannot, this exercise was pretty good.
Terence Newman: Thank you for the years you have put in but holy crap you are SO fired. It is only because I respect your past work in the lean years that I did not run on to the field on New Years’ Day and cut your ass then. I want to say I will remember all the interceptions against the Redskins and NOT you turning into Safety Roy Williams and getting hurdled fifty times in 2011 but I know that to be a lie. Good day, sir.
Tony Fiammetta: Some may be confused at this choice, but I would rather the 4th round pick at the first right of refusal if another team comes calling. Thanks for playing well against the bad teams, but I’ll be seeing you.
Anthony Spencer: He was supposed to be the perfect compliment to DeMarcus Ware. He played four good games at the end of the 2009 season and has disappeared since then (as if it was okay that it took him three years to develop at all). No way in HADES I pay this man.
Dave Campo (COACH), Hudson Houck (COACH), Alan Ball, David Buehler, Frank Walker, Keith Brooking, Bradie James, Sammy Morris, Abram Elam, Kevin Ogletree, Chris Dreisen, Martellus Bennett, Jon Kitna
If you’re keeping track, I just cut 13 players on the first day. DRAMA IN DALLAS!
Laurent Robinson: The most consistent wide receiver on the football team. Must-keep.
Doug Free: Move him to right tackle where he belongs and he will be solid again.
Mat McBriar: I am assuming his foot will be okay, in which case he is still one of the best punters in football.
Jeremy Parnell (Exclusive Rights FA), Derrick Dockery (insurance for Training camp injury), Montrae Holland (see: Dockery), Martin Rucker
This section is much harder. I have to speculate here about who will be available, if they will come to Dallas and if Jerry can satisfy their money-hungry agents. Since we’re assuming all is perfect and will fall our way, let’s assume Dallas will get whoever I want. Away we go:
Ex-Miami Dolphins Head Coach Tony Sparano: This is assuming Garrett will give up the play-calling (he should) and serve a more traditional head coaching role. This is fantasy land but if I am the GM, I’m forcing him into it.
Kansas City QB Kyle Orton OR Detroit QB Shaun Hill: The Cowboys need to draft a viable quarterback of the future but in the mean time we could use a quarterback that can do SOMETHING when put in the game. They are both better than McGee and both are realistic options.
Baltimore Ravens OG Ben Grubbs: Give him whatever money he wants (within reason) and lure him away from the AFC Champions (see what I did there?)
Cincinnati Bengals CB Adam “Pacman” Jones: Despite his many off-field troubles, he has had a good year and could really improve our secondar–HAHAHAHAH… Just kidding.. Making sure you are still reading. (You aren’t, are you?)
Chicago Bears S Brandon Meriweather, Tennessee Titans CB Cortland Finnegan, New York Jets S Jim Leonhard, New Orleans Saints CB Tracy Porter: All of these players are mediocre and realistic acquisitions that would prove a HUGE upgrade over current secondary roster. I would not expect them to sign all of them (maybe two or three instead of all four) because I expect them to draft secondary help as well.
This is probably the hardest section because it takes the most speculation of all. But who is better at speculation than I? No one I tell you!
Felix Jones and a 4th round draft pick (Fiammetta comp.) to the Detroit Lions for DE Lawrence Jackson: I doubt this will happen but he is the EXACT type of player this team needs and Detroit is in desperate need of a running back. I am sure Detroit would have done this trade this past week if they could have. I would commit no higher than a 4th round draft pick to accompany Felix but I would throw in another player to sweeten the pot. Jackson would need to get used to the 3-4 but I think he would adjust quickly. The Cowboys will not miss Felix given that Phillip Tanner and DeMarco Murray will return next season from the injured reserve.
That is it for me rescuing the Dallas Cowboys from Jerry Jones this week. Sadly, the world will never know my GENIUS! Next week, I will start a series in which I preview every possible Cowboys draft pick. First up next Sunday are cornerbacks!