Unconfirmed rumors coming out of Valley Ranch this morning are reporting the possible trade of Dallas Cowboy cornerback Terence Newman. The trade would send the nine year veteran about 100 miles southeast of Dallas to the little town on Canton, TX. In exchange, the Cowboys’ franchise would receive a used 1985 Proctor-Silex Toaster Oven, described to be in good to decent condition.
Newman is coming off a terrible year where it seemed Father Time had caught up with the former first round pick out of Kansas State. His inability to cover most NFL wideouts and various bouts with injury helped Dallas limp to an 8-8 record this year. Combine Newman’s poor performance with the fact that he received eight million dollars in salary this season, and it’s no wonder Dallas would be interested in unloading him. That made Newman the second highest paid Dallas player this year, only surpassed by quarterback Tony Romo.
But when it came to other NFL teams interested in trading for Newman’s services, it appears the Cowboys had to take the best offer on the table. And that offer apparently came from 91 year old Beatrice Peterson. The grandmother of six is apparently a staple of the Canton Trade Days, a large Swap-Meet held every first Monday of the month in Canton, TX.
Ms. Peterson has rented a space at the event for many years and already has plans on how she will use the newly acquired Newman as a tourist attraction.
“He’ll be sitting in a clear display box with a plaque attached to it reading: The only NFL player ever to be hurdled over three times in one game. It should bring in the customers as well as make the other girls in my bridge club quite jealous.”
When asked about Newman’s responsibilities outside of the Trade Days, Ms. Peterson indicated that she had various odd jobs around the house that needed to be done.
The trade apparently almost didn’t happen. When the Cowboys had no luck finding any takers on Newman outside of Ms. Peterson’s toaster oven offer, Dallas was on the verge of out-right releasing him. But Ms. Peterson’s last minute addition of an extension cord made the Cowboys’ Front Office think twice about the move.
An unidentified source within Dallas’ Front Office admitted that having a toaster oven on the field to replace Newman at starting cornerback made little “football” sense. But once the addition of an extension cord was placed into the mix, no one could argue the fact that it probably would have done a better job against the New York Giant’s receivers than Newman did, despite it’s lack of mobility or self-awareness. In addition, the toaster oven would have provided the other Dallas defensive players with a warm snack in-between plays.
Newman might also have some familiar company with him at his new job. Other rumors out of Valley Ranch have cornerback Alan Ball being traded to a different Canton Trade Days entrepreneur for a lone hubcap for a 1970 Plymouth Roadrunner.
*Obviously, this entire post above is a joke. We all know Dallas couldn’t even get a used toaster oven for Terence Newman.