IPCQ: Week 17, Dallas Cowboys VS New York Giants. Jerry owns Cowboys, Eli owns Jerry

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P aragraphical Notage:

Tony Romo played pretty darn well. Let’s not get on his ass about the loss. Our running game was almost non-existent and he did as much as he could with a one dimensional offense. Unfortunately, our team can’t score 40 points through the air like the Green Bay Packers. Why not? Magic. The Packers have magic, and we don’t. We can punch things. But we can’t cast spells. You would think that Jerry Jones would say  “Hey, Jason. You see that magic over yonder? Let’s do that. Let’s cast them spells that they been castin’ in Green Bay.” But instead, he chooses to say “We feel good about punching things in the face. We don’t feel like casting fire balls and lightning bolts will help us defeat the enemy. We plan to draft a really good boxer who can help us punch things in the face.” Personally, I LIKE punching things in the face. Is my son’s pet lizard happy about that? No. No, he isn’t. Or maybe the lizard is a she.. I’m not sure. I haven’t had time to search for it’s penis. You’d think I would make time for something like that. But they’ve been showing Star Wars marathons on Spike TV and I had  to choose. Star Wars won out over searching for lizard sex parts. Where was I? Oh, right. Jerry hates magic but he loves punching things in the face. Look forward to punching more things in the face next season while Green Bay and New England keeps casting fire balls and lightning bolts.

Speaking of lightning bolts, Felix Jones sure did fizzle, didn’t he? He only got 11 carries, and he ran them hard, but there weren’t really many lanes for him to run through. I had that same problem in high school. I’d run really hard, knock guys over, stiff arm guys right into the ground, hurdle some guys, and finish strong by lowering my shoulders and barreling over a guy. But nothing good would come out of it. Of course, I was in the lunch room just trying to get to the front of the line, but still, it didn’t do me any good. It usually ended up with me being suspended. And once, I even got put in jail for it. Yeah.. It was the stiff arm. I broke the guys nose and sent him to the hospital. Plus, the guy was actually a girl, and her dad was a Senator. So that part didn’t help me. Also, I opted to be my own lawyer, and since I specialize mainly in Bird Law, I wasn’t completely equipped to handle my case. I’m really not sure how I lost the case, though. I said “I object” at least 200 times more than the prosecutor, and I received about 80 more “Gavel Points” than him too. Isn’t that what they’re called when the judge hits the gavel on the little block of wood? Gavel points? Yeah, I was racking those up. Yet STILL the idiot refs said that I was guilty. It all worked out in the end though. While I was in the jail house I met a guy named Bubba and we started a shrimp company together. He died, but I kept it going with my friend Lieutenant Dan. We ended up being pretty successful, but I’m not a slave to money. I don’t need a lot of it. I just like to mow my yard and make people think that I’m retarded.

Speaking of retarded, Martellus Bennett had a nice play. I think he really finished the season strong. I’m not being sarcastic either, which sucks, because I REALLY LIKE BEING SARCASTIC..Pfft. Whatever. Seriously, though! Marty Man has redeemed himself for me. I think that he will make a bigger impact next year, whether it is as a Cowboy or with another team. It was only a matter of time before he broke out, and although he surely hasn’t broken out yet, I believe that he is quite ready to do so.

Speaking of doing so. Laurent Robinson certainly did so. He did so to the tune of 4 catches for 61 yards and 2 touchdowns. Now let’s not get into the whole “Dez and Miles are getting the secondary’s attention, so Robinson isn’t as good as the stats show.” I don’t want to hear that! I don’t even want to READ it! He plays his role and he plays it very well. If we can return Dez, Miles, and Laurent next year, then we are all set at receiver and there is one problem checked off of the to-do list. They really are a nice receiving trio. We are truly blessed to have them. If you see any of them trying to leave Dallas this off-season, please throw bolas at their feet and hold them there until Jerry shows up. Jerry will take it from there. If you don’t know what a bola is, then you can do one of two things. One, Google search the definition of a bola. Or two, use an Indiana Jones whip instead. If you can’t find an Indiana Jones whip then use a Cat Woman whip. If you can’t find a Cat Woman whip then use those sausages that are linked together. Those are cool and after you use them, you can eat them. You’ll probably end up with diarrhea, but who cares? Everybody poops. I read that in a book once. However, it’s not entirely true. I once  met a man named Tree who never pooped. EVER! He just stood there, all 18 feet of him, and he never ever pooped. Sure, he dropped leaves and stuff, but never once did he poop.

Speaking of poop, Sean Lee was pooping all over them fools. That was me talking like a rapper. I’ll translate: Sean Lee made a lot of tackles. Why do rappers make up words? Because it pays the bills. THAT’S why. Therefore, I will make up a word for this paragraph. The word is “Poppadeauxed”. Sean Lee totally poppadeauxed against the Giants. He had 11 total tackles and 8 of them were poppadeauxs. It means a lot for a player to have 8 poppadeauxs. If you miss a chance for a poppadeaux then you could give up a big play. The coaches trust Sean Lee. I believe that we, as fans, have come to trust him as well. Whether it’s a group tackle or a poppadeaux, Sean Lee can be counted on to get the job done. Also, for the people who dropped out of junior high and can’t use their context clues, a poppadeaux is a solo tackle. Ya’ll suck at rapping. I’m sorry, but you do.

Speaking of sucking at rapping. Terrance Newman sucks at wrapping. As in “wrapping up”. Tackling is pretty important in football. If a team is really awesome at everything about football but they can’t tackle, then the other team will probably score 200 touchdowns during a game. You see, if you don’t tackle someone who has the ball, then that person will most definitely score within the next 15 seconds. Terrance Newman has served us well. There was a time where he was close to being considered a shut down corner. From what I understand, he’s a pretty good guy off of the field as well. But is it time to cut him? Is it finally time to cut Terrance Newman? I mean, all season, he has been showing his age. It may be time to say “Thank you for all that you’ve done for us, but we’re moving forward.” And I’m not talking about a HUGE cut. I’m talking about a thin, relatively deep cut with a very sharp katana. Nothing classless like a butterfly knife or a saw. He deserves better than that. Perhaps a quick 4 inch cut across the left hamstring or straight down the calf. Something to make him feel alive again! Something to set a fire to him. Something to make him want to finish the final few years of him career with swagger and heart.

Speaking of heart, Rob Ryan’s fat smothered heart may not last more than 4 more years, but I do hope that his tenure at Dallas lasts a little longer. I like his defensive philosophy. It just doesn’t work when the secondary is so unreliable. Off-season moves can fix that  problem. If I was the GM, I would consider trading DeMarcus Ware for an upper level secondary player and perhaps more draft picks.

Hopefully, I don’t get assassinated for that comment. I don’t want to die before I get the chance to ride an emu through the Sahara Desert  while being chased by pygmy tribesmen on hyenas. It has always been a dream of mine. A reoccurring dream. My psychiatrist tells me that it means I am fearful of something in my past. But that’s not true. In the dream, I always end up escaping the pygmy tribe and eventually getting drunk with Jay-Z in a club that serves Chick-Fil-A Chicken Sandwiches. How is that a nightmare? It sounds awesome. Jay-Z, expensive champagne, AND delicious Chick-Fil-A food? There is nothing to fear about THAT dream.

Speaking of dreams, maybe Jerry will step down and let Steven or Jerry Jr. take over as GMs. That would be cool. It is almost guaranteed that they would do exactly the same things that Jerry does, since Jerry would no doubt be whispering in their ears like that guy on Lord of The Rings who whispers into the King’s ear. But at least there would be a change in the GM position. A team like the Cowboys just needs change for the sake of change. Anything major. Quarterback, GM, or maybe uniforms. Keep the star, of course. But maybe add new receiver gloves that have pistols attached. Fire off a few of those bad boys into the secondary and I bet it opens up some running lanes. Injury time outs would make the game extremely lengthy, but we’d come out with the win. The win is the most important thing. Am I right? Or am I right? Think about your answer before choosing which answer you think is correct. Do you give up? Hah! It was a trick question! Both answers were wrong! Just kidding, both answers were actually correct. Shooting members of the opposing secondary would no doubt open up running lanes for the offense.

Speaking of the offense, ours could use some help. A new center, perhaps. Phil Costa is not getting it done. Montrae Holland is flawed. Derrick Dockery is a Longhorn, so he is perfect in every way. But an offensive line can ill afford to have many weaknesses. Disguising flaws can only do so much good. Eventually, everything gets exposed. Have you ever seen Mrs. Doubtfire? Yeah. I too, went the whole movie believing that Mrs. Doubtfire was actually an old woman. But in the end, it ended  up being Robin Williams. Of course, I missed the first 20 minutes of the movie, so I might have missed a few clues that would have given me the edge in deciphering the big twist at the end. Still,  the point that I am making is that we can’t paint a blue fence with red spray paint and then tell everybody that it’s red. ..Wait. Maybe we can. Because, at that point, the fence would actually be red. Or would it be blue with a red coating? I’m not sure. Listen, guys, social studies class was my unofficial nap time so I never learned about chemistry. Therefore, I can’t answer questions about fences and paint and stuff and things like that. I’m just a guy with dream and a crappy car.

Speaking of crappy cars, I’d just like to DRIVE my point home by saying this: The Giants are better than the Cowboys right now. If we were to play them 10 times in a row, I truly believe that they would win 6 or 7 of those games. Can we please grow up and admit this? Will they be better next year? Hell no. We will destroy them next year. We will embarrass them by winning every match-up by several touchdowns. But this year, they were simply better. Not a whole lot better! But they were better. Take your hats off to them. They earned their play off berth. Both teams had their chance, and the Giants stepped up.

But we’re still America’s team. And they still live in New York. So we still win, in reality. I’ve been to New York. Dallas is better.

And with that, we end the season. Stay tuned for off-season moves, and opinions of them. And money. We’re giving away money. And bar-b-que ribs. Everyone likes those, right? Listen, I am just making things up right now to keep people interested in my articles over the off-season. I’m tired of lying to you all. There will be no free money or bar-b-que. Just more articles. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to go eat some baby back ribs from Chili’s. Holla!

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