IPCQ: Week 16, Dallas Cowboys VS Philadelphia Eagles. We need super powers

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I ntroduction

I had suspected this game to be a statement game, and a momentum builder for the Cowboys. But the only statement that was made is: We like turds. And the only thing that was built was a big ol’ turd tower. We climbed into that turd tower and jumped out, only to splatter noisily  on the turf. This game will be played off as a “game that didn’t matter”. In a way, that is entirely accurate. The loss won’t affect our chances of making the playoffs, but I have a hard time calling this game completely irrelevant. We had a chance to injure Michael Vick, and we couldn’t get it done. Every time he dropped back, we had a chance to hit him illegally and turn his brain into miso soup. Every time he took a snap, the Cowboys were presented with an opportunity to shatter his spine. After every quarter back scramble, the opportunity to rip his legs off was on the table. But we did not deliver. The Cowboys squandered their chances of going undefeated against the Eagles next year. But that’s fine, maybe he’ll slip in the shower or something.

There is really nothing to analyze in a game where everything can be played off as “They weren’t trying”, so I am going to highlight our key player’s super powers and give you something to look for in the upcoming game against the Giants. It will be the unofficial start of the playoffs. It will be huge. Read up, and get your Cowboy motor started. This is huge, people. This is huge.

P aragraphical Notage:

Tony Romo: Everyone knows that Tony Romo has deer eyes, that is public knowledge. Everyone knows that his wife is hot, except for gay guys. They don’t seem to notice her curves and structural beauty. And of course everyone knows that Tony Romo is probably the most injured golfer in charity tournament history. But there are things about Tony that you may not know. Romo revealed a very impressive super power against the Eagles. He has the ability to grow his fist up to 3 times it’s regular size. That must be awesome during street fights. He sort of reminds me of a Battle Toad. Look it up. They had huge fists too. The only thing worse than being punched by a professional athlete, is being punched with a professional athlete whose hand weighs 27 pounds. This of course gives Romo a vast advantage in any Thumb Wars tournament that he enters. He probably shatters computer mouses at home every day as he tries to delicately double click, only to realize that he has lost  control of his powers. Surely he didn’t mean to use this power during a nationally broadstcasted NFL football game. Hopefully, as he loses control of his fist powers, he will gain new powers. Like the ability to win playoff games. He needs to win more of those. Especially since I made a bet with my sister that if the Cowboys don’t go to the Super Bowl, I’ll French kiss her. And I really don’t want to do that. Especially since I haven’t gotten to take her out on a few dates first. I don’t want to be the classless brother who starts skipping to second base and stuff.

Jason Witten: He boasts the powers of deception. He has the uncanny ability to look extremely slow and white, but still construct the career of one of the best tight ends to ever play football. Have you heard him talk? He sounds like that kid in high school who you always make fun of, and he always laughs really hard, and you’re not sure whether or not he realizes that you’re making fun of him. Again, he is showing us his awesome deception. He is pretending to be a big dumb “aww shucks” Tennessee graduate when, in reality, he is sharp of mind and he has never said “aww shucks”, ever. I bet that he curses like a sailor. Not one of those rich guys in Rhode Island who own 8 sail boats. But one of those bearded drunks who carry swords and drink rum with every meal. At first glance,Witten appears to be a big guy who works in the oil field because he fits the “let’s all be jackasses and forget about it 24 hours later” attitude. But he isn’t. He is more than that. He is intelligent, fast, strong, sure-handed, and he loves choice cut steaks from Albertsons. Now THAT’S choice!

Jay Ratliff: During the first quarter of football games, Jay Ratliff is a beast. But in the second quarter, he is a monster. But in the third quarter, he is an angry bull. But in the fourth quarter, he is a demon. Yes, folks. Jay Ratliff boasts the unique ability to be a complete badass for four quarters. It may be a case of literal transformation within the mind. Maybe before the game begins, Jay Ratliff tells himself “I am a beast, hell bent on destruction and chaos. All shall feel my wrath.” And during the first quarter, he mauls and tears at his opponents, wearing them down and turning them into prime rib. His opponents are tired, but so is the beast that he has transformed into. What do most players do? They suck down some oxygen and go back into the game at an 80% ability status. Not Jay. Not Mr. Ratliff. He uses his powers of transformation to go into the aspect of The Monster. The Beast did the hard work. The Beast tenderized the meat, turning it into a scrumptious helping of prime rib. The Monster has the envious job of chopping the meat into bite sized pieces, and drinking the juices. He is merciless in this endeavor. the Monster doesn’t want to eat the meat! No way! He’s a MONSTER! He takes pride in his ability to rend flesh and savor the juices of victory. His mind alters again. He shifts into the aspect of The Angry Bull. In the third quarter, he scatters all of the would-be encroachers. Anyone who gets near the savory and prepared meats, gets turned into impaled fodder. The Angry Bull’s horns are sharp and his hindquarters are powerful. He is capable of strength that one would not expect after 2 full quarters of football war. He uses every last ounce of energy. The Angry Bull never stops. He is angry, remember? Nothing but death, or exhaustion can stop him. But, alas, exhaustion takes us all. No living creature is immune to it. The Angry Bull must go. But he is replaced by the final aspect of the Jay Ratliff cast of super powered altered states. The Demon awakens. Before The Demon lays dead and dying men. Men who have fought for 3 quarters. Men who are reaching deep inside to find a second wind, or a place of determination that may carry them feebly to the end of the game. But The Demon has been waiting, watching, and drooling over the prepared meats and disabled opponents. The Demon doesn’t want a fair fight, you see. He’s a freakin’ demon. He wants to ravage the weak and utterly destroy all obstacles. In this aspect, Jay Ratliff is the belligerent glutton. He is the insatiable hungerer. He is the executioner. While others are trying to finish the game by being LESS tired than their opponents, The Demon feeds off of their desperation. Jay Ratliff doesn’t play 4 quarters. He feasts, while the powerless mortals fight for scraps. 

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