Do you know what sucks about a star player getting injured? TWO starting players getting injured! You heard it here, folks. The “De Brothers” were injured by the menacing Giants. DeMarco Murray and DeMarcus Ware were broken like that pigeon who flew in front of Randy Johnson’s fast ball. Luckily, Felix stepped in and played HUNGRY! (See my Snicker article). But no matter how well Felix does, it won’t be enough. You need two running backs. You just do. Let us pray that Felix takes on a streak of divine durability, and that Philip Tanner can follow blocks and hold on to the ball.
As far as the injury to D-Ware is concerned.. If he is hurt, then we are screwed. He is our best player on defense. His presence changes the way opposing offenses play against us. Without him, we’re in more trouble than Bruce Willis was in Diehard With A Vengeance when he was in Harlem with that….Unfortunate….Sign….On his chest. We need D-Ware. Sacrifice a llama tonight while praying for his swift recovery.
Speaking of llamas, Laurent Robinson had a great game. He really is impressive. If we start out next season with him, Dez, and Miles as our receivers, then we will be in good shape. Probably the best thing about having him around next year is that Jerry can’t draft a receiver. See? That would be one position that Jerry couldn’t, in good conscience, draft over a much needed position such as safety or corner back. Laurent is almost as talented as his name is. How can a name be spelled “Lor-Ent” and be pronounce “Luh Ron”? That is truly a gift that not many of us are born with. I did grow up with a neighbor named “Jarrod” who pronounced his name “Winstonchurchhill”, but that is a rare feat, and I’m glad that we have a receiver who can pull it off.
Earlier, I touched a little bit on Felix Jones. Luckily, he didn’t call the cops on me or punch me in the face. He really did step in and play well! I’m proud of him. He handled things like a pro this year. Nobody wants to lose their starting job due to an injury. That had to have sucked for him. To my knowledge, he never complained publicly, or caused a rift in the locker room. He deserves credit for being a good guy and a positive locker room presence. He’s a cousin, by the way. I just wanted to let everyone know that, so that the first sentence of this paragraph would be slightly more disturbing. You’re welcome, pimps.
Speaking of pimps, Jerry Jones looks better in glasses. Am I alone in this? While watching the game, I heard someone say “Jerry looks old in those glasses!” Well…Yeah! He does! Thank GOD! All of that botox has been messing with my mind. How does a man of his age dodge wrinkles like Terrence Newman dodges easy interception opportunities? Botox! That’s it! Come on, Jerry. Stop botoxing. Is that a verb? Never mind. It is now. I want my Jerry to look older. Nobody should look the same age for 30 years. Unless they’re black. Black don’t crack. I heard that once. I thought it was funny. Now, I admit, I shouldn’t have hit my friend Akeem with a hammer to discover whether or not he would actually crack. That wasn’t a good idea. He didn’t crack, by the way. But he did chase me around the Dollar General parking lot for about 5 minutes. I was faster than him, but if we would have gone into a 6th minute then I’m almost certain that he would have turned me into a pancake and “put syrup on me”. Quotes make things sound nasty, don’t they? If I wouldn’t have added quotes, then you would have assumed that he literally had poured maple syrup on me. But now, you’re wondering what the hell the “syrup” would have been. Most likely, you’ve assumed that it was something extremely disgusting. It probably would have been. Akeem wasn’t afraid to “put syrup on stuff”.
Akeem would have made a great NFL player. He’s a pretty good guy. He’s effing huge. He’s pretty athletic. He likes jewelry. And he sucks in interviews.
Speaking of sucking, I need to wrap this article up because I just heard the microwave beep and I need to get my bottle out before it cools off too much. It’s cold outside!
Tags: Cowboys Cowboys Stadium Dallas Dallas Cowboys Dan Bailey DeMarco Murray DeMarcus Ware Eli Manning Felix Jones Hakeem Nicks IPCQ Jason Pierre-paul Jerry Jones Justin Tuck Laurent Robinson Miles Austin New York Giants NFL Phillip Tanner Seth Jones Steve Jobs Terence Newman