IPCQ: Week 14, Dallas Cowboys VS New York Giants. Being a Cowboy fan is less fun these days.

Use your ← → (arrows) to browse

I ntroduction: I’m more disappointed than a pit bull in a room full of  fully armored toddlers. This isn’t right! Losing due to an iced field goal twice in a row? Surely, after all of this time, it can be admitted by many of us that the Dallas Cowboys are cursed. However, curses can be cured. Especially in a sport where hard work, determination, and well thought out plans can place your fate in your own hands, away from the fetid hands of some nasty curse.

Bunk a curse! Bunk it! The Cowboys chances of winning a Super Bowl this year are fairly low. I’m sorry. It must be said. Our secondary is not at the level that it needs to be. We are often fighting injuries. Our running game comes and goes. This isn’t a sinking ship that we are voyaging on. In fact, it’s not even a ship. It’s a flat bottom boat with a Trolley motor on the back. We can get around, sure. We can win some races. But we won’t outrun the motor boat. We won’t out maneuver the dude on the surf board. And we would lose horribly in a game of chicken to a tug boat.

We’re good. But we’re not great. In addition to a “bend, and eventually break” mentality in the secondary, we never win out on the little things. The Terrance Newman dropped interception that may have been a touchdown. The “Lost in the lights” potential Miles Austin touchdown that wasn’t even so much as a gain of yardage. The kick that didn’t count, due to the “timely” time out. The D-Ware jumping off sides during a pivotal moment in the game. We always call heads, and the coin always lands tails. It’s just one of those seasons. Yes, we could be cursed. But it’s up to the Dallas Cowboys to end any curse that is affecting the Dallas Cowboys. The coaches know it. The players know it. We know it.

“There ain’t nothin’ to it but to do it”

-Some guy I went to high school with who wore his hat sideways and smoked weed a lot.

Let’s get to some notes, written in paragraph form, for those of you who fight A.D.D. I’m right there with you.


P aragraphical Notage:

Our defense blew more coverages than a really slutty girl who has 30 boyfriends who are all named “Coverage”. I know a 60 year old man who is nicknamed “Squirrel” who could play better defense than the Cowboys secondary did against the Giants. A lot of people are throwing stones at Robert Reginald Ryan’s defensive schemes. That’s fine. I’m certain that he will credit for the failure, and I am certain that he contributed. But he didn’t call a safety blitz on ALL of those plays. Our secondary has some serious issues. Sure, they can cover bad receivers. But to be a Super Bowl team, you must be able to cover good receivers as well.

Wouldn’t it have been cool if Miles Austin would have caught that floater near the end of the game? You could blame Romo for the slight over-throw, or you could blame Miles for his half-stumble/half-confused looking attempt at a catch. Either way, it didn’t happen. Should we get rid of Miles for that? No. Get rid of Romo? No. It was the result of a curse. We are cursed. Eli owns Cowboy Stadium. He won’t own it forever. We will gain it back. But for now, we need to accept that crap like that will happen.

Speaking of curses, how about The Curse Of  The Iced Kicker? Two games is a row, a successful game winning kick is iced out of the record books, and the make-up kick is a failed attempt. Hey, you won’t hear ME blaming Bailey for these misses. Mainly due to the fact that you can’t hear me at all. I’m typing all of this, in case you weren’t privy to that fact. But even if you could hear me, then you would notice a lack of issued complaint. Bailey is a very good kicker. The block wasn’t his fault. Jean-Pierre-Garcon-Fredricksburg-ElephantTain-PantyCrist-Butternuts-Capplin did an excellent job of blocking the kick. Fair and simple. Simple and fair.

The blocked kick wasn’t the only impressive feat by Mr. Jean-Pierre-Garcon-Fredricksburg-ElephantTain-PantyCrist-Butternuts-Capplin. He played like a beast all game. It’s never fun when a division rival drafts a bad ass. I believe that the Giants may have drafted a bad ass. He has a motor that does not stop running. Trust me on that. He lives next door and he NEVER turns his car off. It’s always idling. Day and night. I asked him why the hell he never turns it off and he claimed “When you’re a millionaire, gasoline prices mean nothing.” Well that’s bull crap, sir. Complete bull crap. Do you think that Steve Jobs is perfectly fine with the escalated gas prices just because he’s rich? No. We’re all people. We all want affordable prices. Just because you could easily rape Arnold Schwarzenegger (Yes, I Googled the hell out of that name) and you could probably shot put 8 lions at once, doesn’t mean that you have earned the right to waste so much gas. I once knew a man named George who would idle his truck for 48 hours straight. I always secretly hoped that the fumes emitted from his truck would seep into his lungs and suffocate his bronchioles. Well, his bronchioles have endured, so I suppose that karma supports the idling of trucks.

Holy Hell, how did that paragraph turn out so big? It barely made sense. For anyone who is still reading this argument, I commend you. You are obviously so stupid that you’re brilliant. I often fall victim to this. Everyone in high school thought that I was a genius because I discovered that farting on an active Bunsen Burner would create a flame thrower. Did I win the science award that year? No. Not even close, actually. Did I earn a lot of respect and a reputation as an innovative mind? You bet. You bet I did. After that day, everyone looked at me with a new measure of respect in their eyes. And every time the science room caught on fire “via: fart”, everyone silently nodded, smiled, and thanked me for my vision and courage.

Wow. Another wasted paragraph. Let’s get back to the Cowboys.

Use your ← → (arrows) to browse

comments powered by Disqus