By Seth Jones.
I ntroduction: It wasn’t long ago that the Philadelphia Eagles embarrassed the Dallas Cowboys. I remember the way I felt during that game. There was a time where I just wanted it to end. I just shook my head as the Eagles converted 1st down after 1st down. I sighed heavily every time LeSean McCoy broke through our defensive line and reeled off 10 yards. I grimaced whenever someone missed a block, and Tony Romo took a big hit. I just wanted my team to run the clock out, and get off of the field. It’s a bad feeling, seeing your team take a paddle to it’s collective ass-cheeks. In the NBA or the MLB, you get over it pretty quickly. There is almost certainly going to be another game within the next two days. You will quickly have a chance to redeem yourself. But in the National Football League, it’s quite different.
You have to live with that feeling of inadequacy for an entire week, sometimes two. You end up second guessing your coach, your quarterback, your receivers, linemen, corner backs. It’s a dark cloud that can only be blown aside by a victory. But on the flip side of this vile, vile coin of utter defeat, is a token of victory that matches it’s opposite in sheer power.
The coin flip this week landed in our favor as potently as one could possibly imagine. We absolutely throttled the Bills. We scored early, we scored often, and we scored in a variety of ways that resulted in a complete game where every aspect of our team was firing on all cylinders. I wrote last week about the significance of stats. The most significant statistic, by far, is the number of wins that your team has. We got the beloved win that we crave so fully. The fact that we destroyed the Bills is just fun. It’s fun for the players, it’s fun for the fans, it’s fun for Jerry Jones. Did you see him up there in his box? For a minute there, I thought he was going to do that Soulja Boy dance. I’m glad he didn’t, because Jerry looks weird dancing (see the Papa John’s commercial from 2007) and because Soulja Boy is an anti-American punk.
This win was fun! But let’s not get over-confident. There is work to be done, Cowboy fans. Let’s enjoy this one, and then move on to the next one. But first.. Here’s some notes!
P aragraphical Notage:
-What a start. What a start. We scored faster than a rabbit in an orgy. They say that the opening drive is supposed to be the easiest. Well that saying certainly held true. Kudos to Romo for making the right decisions and for making great throws.
Laurent Robinson is soaring in this offense. I do not think that he is the next superstar break out player, but he is certainly a solid receiver who is capable of playing a big role in an offense. He was a great pick-up, and I wonder why the Rams let him go. Maybe his name pissed them off. Laurent=LaRon? Come on. My name is Seth, and I don’t pronounce it “Goatpenis”. Why not? Because I respect the English language and the security of names that make a little bit of sense. I hope that Laurent doesn’t go to Name Hell when he dies. Where everyone has eff’d up names that sound nothing like how they look.
Isn’t it awkward when the camera shows Felix Jones on the sidelines? What is he supposed to do? Put on a top hat and start dancing like that WB frog? I think that it’s fairly obvious who the new starting running back is now, right? You can’t take away DeMarco’s carries when Felix gets healthy again. Our running game is working now, for the first time in a long time. Our offense has transformed. The decision has been made, whether Jerry admits it or not. Let’s get the camera off of poor Felix. Show more Cowboy cheerleader cleavage instead. It’s a good idea, yes?
Speaking of Cowboys cheerleaders.. Uhh.. The one who is dating the Bills player needs to slap that jackass directly in the face. He put her in a terrible situation there. What did he expect her to do? Cheer and wave her pom-poms around? He is a jackass for putting her in that situation, and she is a fool for dating the ugliest player on the Bills roster. That little scene tainted the image of the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, in my opinion. I can’t help it! They just always seem uber-human. NOW they seem like old women with too much plastic surgery. That shouldn’t have happened, and I hope that my eye scars heal, with time.
I think I saw somewhere that Witten is now 3rd all-time is career receptions at the tight-end position. He is clearly one of the greatest tight ends to have ever played in the National Football League. Tony Gonzales has some statistics that will be hard to break, and Witten will likely not catch him in the major categories, but Witten is in the same class as Gonzales. We’re lucky to have this man on our team. He can do no wrong. Unless you count his Albertson’s commercial where he takes a bite of steak, looks into the camera, and says “Now THAT’S choice!” ..Youtube it.
In case you guys haven’t noticed, I will fill you in on something. I do NOT like discussing Tony Romo. I’ve never had a problem with him, but I hate arguing with Romo haters because they are so passionate about cutting him. I don’t care how many interceptions he throws, you can not convince me that he is in the bottom 50% of quarterbacks in the league. How do you complain that your quarterback isn’t Aaron Rodgers or Peyton Manning? Get over it! Tony Romo isn’t a bad quarterback! At all! He is capable of Peyton Manning efficiency. He is capable of Aaron Rodgers yardage and touchdown pass numbers. But for whatever reason: bad routes, passes that get away from him, lack of a running game, bad defense, etc.. Romo hasn’t been able to dominate in the NFL in the past 6 years. Does that make him horrible? No. The next time you guys get frustrated with the Cowboys, please pace yourself, and say ANYthing other than “ROMO SUCKS!” because it’s illogical and invalid.
Oops, I ranted. All over the place, I ranted. I have rant juice on my pants. My, this is embarrassing. I’m sorry, I just thought about Tony Romo and I ranted on myself. I’m sorry if you, the reader, got some rant on your face, or in your eyes. If you are un-sure about whether or not you got ranted on, then you can use a black light to find the areas that may have been affected by the rant juice. I just hope that I don’t have to pay child support for any rant babies in the coming months.
When ever I see Dez Bryant make a great play, I think to myself “Wow, he could be an absolute star.” But why the hell isn’t he? How does he make such great plays at times, and then other times get completely shut out? Is he one of those players that only tries when he thinks the ball is coming to him? Surely not. Is he one of those players who constantly has a sore ankle? Or a bruise thigh? And as the game goes on, the pains begin taking their toll? I’m not sure. I’ll ask someone who knows what the f*** they are talking about. But I’d like to know the answer. Because he has the ability to change the way defenses play us. And assuming Murray keeps having this success on the ground, a dominant Dez could result in teams forcing our defense to beat them. And I believe in our defense. And the 600 pound barbarian who guides them.
Recently, someone told me that me and Ryan Fitzpatrick look alike. I like to think that he is referring to the fact that we both have beards. I refuse to believe that I look like I constantly have a QB-jacket on under my shirt. Also, he couldn’t be comparing our running styles. I run like a gazelle. Fitzpatrick runs like a pirate who just stole a bag of bacon and is hiding it in his butt crack. I guess he could be looking at the fact that we are both white as hell. Yeah, that could be it. Also, for the record, MY head isn’t shaped like the blockheads on Gumby. So that surely was not the similarity that he spied.