Crime committed: Murder of the Dallas Cowboys on Sunday Night Football.
Time: 7:00pm – 11:00pm; Oct. 30, 2011
Location: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Wanted: The person or persons responsible for the murder of the Dallas Cowboys by the Philadelphia Eagles, 34-7.
First, your rights: You have the right to be really angry. Anything you say or do may make you feel better but it won’t make the Cowboys any better. You have the right to vent your frustrations and engage in friendly, therapeutic debate with other Cowboys fans on The Landry Hat. If you cannot do so in a respectful manner, without cursing and hurling personal insults, you will be asked to leave. And if you are Tashard Choice, per our previous policy, you will also be asked to leave and we will receive no compensation in return. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?
Run down the list of the Cowboy’s Usual Suspects, after the break:
Suspect #1: Antonio Ramiro “Tony” Romo
Aliases: Yoko Romo, Oh No Romo, Tony So-So, Laces Out, Tony No Mo
Wrap Sheet/Priors: Repeat Offender. One playoff win in five seasons. 1/6/07 – Botched field goal. 1/13/08 – late 4th quarter interception in endzone.
Crime(s) he’s accused of: Inability to throw accurate passes.
Eye witness statement:“Did you see Jason Witten catch that pass off his upper thigh? I think Romo was aiming crotch level!”
Conclusion: As always, he’s a person of interest.
Position: Wide Receiver
Aliases: None required. His name is already Dez.
Wrap Sheet/Priors: Avid Mall lover. Also loves expensive jewelery. Former member of the gang “Prime Time”. He had a falling out with it’s leader.
Crimes he’s accused of: Kidnapped himself for most of the game. Lazy route running. Being stranded on Asomugha Island.
Eye witness statement:“Anybody seen Dez???”
Conclusion: Released based on his alibi that the offensive line didn’t give Romo enough time to find him. He also claims he was at the local mall for most of the first half.
Suspect #3: Miles Jonathon Austin III
Position: Wide Receiver
Aliases: The Monmouth Monster, Rubberneck, Kilometers San Antonio
Wrap Sheet/Priors: Disappearing in games, droppin’ balls like they hot
Crimes he’s accused of: Not living up to the number one wideout moniker.
Eye witness statement:“Anybody seen Miles?” Answer: “Yeah. I think him and Dez are kickin’ it over at the mall. Check around the Orange Julius.”
Conclusion: Slight Person of Interest
CHECKOUT THE NEXT PAGE FOR THE “Prime Suspects”!