Cowboys vs. Eagles Crime Scene Investigation: The Usual Suspects

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Crime committed: Murder of the Dallas Cowboys on Sunday Night Football.
Time: 7:00pm – 11:00pm; Oct. 30, 2011
Location: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Wanted: The person or persons responsible for the murder of the Dallas Cowboys by the Philadelphia Eagles, 34-7.

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Run down the list of the Cowboy’s Usual Suspects, after the break:

The Suspects:

Suspect #1: Antonio Ramiro “Tony” Romo

Position: Quarterback

Aliases: Yoko Romo, Oh No Romo, Tony So-So, Laces Out, Tony No Mo

Wrap Sheet/Priors: Repeat Offender. One playoff win in five seasons. 1/6/07 – Botched field goal. 1/13/08 – late 4th quarter interception in endzone.

Crime(s) he’s accused of: Inability to throw accurate passes.

Eye witness statement:“Did you see Jason Witten catch that pass off his upper thigh? I think Romo was aiming crotch level!”

Conclusion: As always, he’s a person of interest.

Suspect #2: Desmond Demond “Dez” Bryant

Position: Wide Receiver

Aliases: None required. His name is already Dez.

Wrap Sheet/Priors: Avid Mall lover. Also loves expensive jewelery. Former member of the gang “Prime Time”. He had a falling out with it’s leader.

Crimes he’s accused of: Kidnapped himself for most of the game. Lazy route running. Being stranded on Asomugha Island.

Eye witness statement:“Anybody seen Dez???”

Conclusion: Released based on his alibi that the offensive line didn’t give Romo enough time to find him. He also claims he was at the local mall for most of the first half.


Suspect #3: Miles Jonathon Austin III

Position: Wide Receiver

Aliases: The Monmouth Monster, Rubberneck, Kilometers San Antonio

Wrap Sheet/Priors: Disappearing in games, droppin’ balls like they hot

Crimes he’s accused of: Not living up to the number one wideout moniker.

Eye witness statement:“Anybody seen Miles?” Answer: “Yeah. I think him and Dez are kickin’ it over at the mall. Check around the Orange Julius.”

Conclusion: Slight Person of Interest


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Tags: Dallas Cowboys Dez Bryant Jason Garrett Jay Ratliff Keith Brooking Miles Austin Philadelphia Eagles Rob Ryan Tony Romo Tyron Smith

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