IPCQ: Week 4 Versus the Lions. And they came roaring back..

IPCQ: Week 4 Versus the Lions. And they came roaring back..

By Seth Jones.

I ntroduction:

Throughout the history of this rotating rock that we live on, called Earth, we humans have developed many brutal, gruesome, pain invoking methods of torture. One definition of the word “torture” explains it as “Something causing severe pain or anguish.” Within this definition, we can determine that torture can take many forms.

The first thing that comes to many people’s minds are instruments of torture, created by man, that were designed to mentally and/or physically destroy another man. A nice example is the Iron Maiden. In the Iron Maiden, a man would be placed in a coffin and made to stand on a grated bottom. The executioner would then pour water onto hot coals that were placed under the grated bottom. The hot coals and cold water would create hot steam that would fill the coffin, effectively showing the poor torturee what it feels like to be a vegetarian’s lunch.

There is also torture that is strictly mental. Imagine being locked in a small room, put into a straight jacket, and having to listen to “Believe” by Cher. Over, and over, and over again. Or just imagine being Cher’s uvula.

And then there is the type of torture that is used strictly for entertainment. Thousands of years ago, it was common to disembowl, dismember, and slice up a man in front of a large crowd, for the sole purpose of entertainment. Well I say for all of you victims today:

“Dallas Cowboys. We are NOT entertained.” 

P aragraphical Notage:

After an early interception by Gerald Sensabaugh, I was thoroughly happlified. I clapped out-loud, making a fool of myself to the mosquito that was perched on top of my knee cap, which I imagine must be the bar stool of the mosquito world…At the bar at noon on a SUNDAY?

“This mosquito must be a clairvoyant Cowboys fan. He knows what’s up.” I thought to myself.

My joy turned into shock and awe as Martellus Bennett caught a pass. Yes, he CAUGHT a pass! He even managed to accrue some nice yardage after the catch. I was quite shocked, indeed. But it did not add any more to my elated state, because I knew that this would not be Martellus’ coming out party. Simple percentages show that Martellus will eventually catch a ball every now and then. He IS a paid professional, afterall.

Shortly after the shock wore off, I was brought back to the harsh reality that Martellus Bennett sucks, after watching him stone hand a routine flare/screen pass. I wonder how many people blamed Romo for that one. Not I, said the blogger. Throwing it to Martellus is a waste of time. Please, only throw it to him on a sneaky wheel route when he is wide-ass-open in the endzone. If there is a chance he will get hit, or if he knows he is about to have to make a “football move” after the catch, then he will drop it 80% of the time. And yes, I just made that percentage up. So sue me. Err– Sue the Landy Hat. Thanks.

I was pleased to see that the Lions opted to cover Dez Bryant 1 on 1. Dez Bryant was MADE for 1 on 1 coverage. He jumps high, he is strong, and he has great hands. He displayed all of this on his first touchdown catch. He’s sort of like Calvin Johnson’s mentally retarded midget clone. All jokes aside, Dez is a beast. Even though he more closely resembles a “beet” than a “beast” when compared to Calvin Johnson. Oops! A joke slipped by. My apologies. I will have the website sprayed for jokes tomorrow evening.

I was very discouraged by the Cowboy’s attempt to score a touchdown from the 1 yard line. Was I glad that they went for it? Yes. It was the right call. Don’t ever kick a field goal from the 1 yard line in the first quarter. Ever. Either score the touchdown or make them drive the ball 99 yards. What I was NOT pleased with is the fact that Jason Garrett depended on our joke of a running game to get into the endzone. We might not have even gotten that touchdown run against 6 of those blue immobile practice dummies. We especially had our work cut out for us with Ndamukong Suh and Kyle Vanden Bosch on the other side of the line. I was wanting a play-action, a bootleg, or even a spread formation in that situation. In a perfect world, yes I want to be able to get at least 2 yards every time I run the football. But until the Cowboys’ offensive line shapes up and plays like a collection of men, we need to stick to what we CAN do, especially in scoring situations.

By the time the 2nd quarter rolled around, I had developed a lil’ Cowboy Crush on Mr Laurent Robinson. He certainly came to play. He really isn’t a bad reciever. He did well on the Rams last year, and I believe he could really thrive with Dez and Miles taking most of the coverage heat.

As nice as it is to see a receiver step up and help out our passing game, that feeling pales in comparison to the joy I get out of watching Daniel Moses Bailey kick field goals! (Yes, I made up a middle name for him..I hope he likes it). A reliable field goal kicker is like an extra bullet in a 6-shooter gunfight. If both teams can move the ball well, but one of those teams has a horrible kicker, and the other team has Adam Vinatieri, then the team with Adam Vinatieri will be the team to bet on. That last sentence was actually a John Madden impersonation. Let me know in the comments below if my voice sounded like Madden when I typed that. Confused? Ignore this paragraph and move onto the next. Go, go, go!

Does anyone remember that play where Ogletree was sent into pre-snap motion and as soon as the ball was snapped, he darted back the other way to catch a flare pass? Brilliant! This is the type of play that makes me love Jason Garrett. My only complaint is that he doesn’t call 10 to 20 of these brilliant plays per game. I truely wonder if our team’s collective IQ is holding Garrett back. I understand that your average NFL team isn’t….Uhhh……Very smart…….   ….  But surely some of them are less intelligent than others. I fear that our team may be in the lower bracket in this department. Maybe Jerry should start drafting smarter players. Maybe from Stanford, or something. Uh-oh! Yeah, I totally went there. Totally did. Sweet. I’m chewing gum right now. Smacking it really loud. Sweet.

I did not approve of challenging the Ogletree touchdown catch. If it ISN’T a touchdown, then you get 4 downs to punch it in. It was an odd time to challenge. It leads me to believe that Jason Garrett, IN FACT, started Kevin Ogletree on his fantasy team. Garrett is playing fantasy football? No big deal. Garrett started Kevin Ogletree on his fantasy football team? Sirens go off. This coach is a mad man.

C onclusion:

This game was a true display of what it really means to be a modern day Dallas Cowboys fan. They pump you up, only to poke holes in you over the course of 4 quarters. They make you think that they are a top 10 team, even though they truly rank in the bottom 15. It’s the star that tortures us. It’s the Dallas Cowboy star that promises us glory. It assures us of victory. It symbolizes superbowls, record breaking performances, and greatness. It lies to us. It toys with us. And yes, it tortures us. It is our Iron Maiden. It is our Cher music. But it is, and always will be, no matter how bad it tortures us, our Dallas Cowboys.

Q uickly Now:

-Yes, I changed Love/Hate. That name is taken by someone else, but more importantly, I couldn’t keep writing in that format. I need more freedom. I’m a lot like William Wallace, but ONLY in the fact that we both want freedom.
-If you’re on Twitter then please follow me @sethgrahamjones. I only have 11 followers and I think 6 of them are porn sites.
-If you listen to the Tim McGraw songs “Back When” and then “Over and Over” and then listen to “Back When” again, it will open up a portal to WTFville.
-Everyone loves the Reese’s peanut butter cups during Easter when they are shaped like eggs, right? Well they have pumpkin shaped Reese’s for Halloween now..I’m not sure how I feel about this.. It’s like telling us that Julius Jones is Emmitt’s replacement.. I need your opinions on these new Reese’s cups.
-I DO read the comments on my articles, and I try to respond sometimes but it won’t always let me. I guess I’m internetting incorrectly. I’ll try to internet harder.

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