“Hate” is such a strong word, but so is “Love”. By combining the two words, I have scientifically engineered the most powerful weekly article known to mankind. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Love/Hate. By Seth Jones.
Due to the fact that I work 3,904 hours a week and only make 2 cents an hour, I am not able to write an impressively long “dolphin pecker” type of article. But for people like myself who have crippling A.D.D, this article will be a blast! I will call this one “Love/Hate Express”. So don’t complain, and don’t applaud. Just read it and smile knowingly while you smoke on your corn pipe.
Here is Love/Hate express..
LOVE: I still love Sean Lee like a poet loves bongos. On top of another interception, he is still making plays all over the field. I particularly enjoy his quick reads where he ends up making plays behind the line of scrimmage. Like a slice of carrot cake, Sean Lee is much better than he sounds. “Our line-backer is Sean Lee” sounds about as appetizing as “Would you like a piece of cake that is MADE OUT OF CARROTS?”. As we all know, carrot cake is delicious, despite it’s name. And Sean Lee is the carrot cake of the Cowboy’s defense.
HATE: I do not enjoy taking credit away from the hard working Redskins’ offensive line, but if the refs hadn’t have been using vacation hours during the Redskins’ offensive plays, then we may have spanked the Redskins. Holding, and tripping, and illegal hands to the face. I don’t expect every hold to the be called, but let’s at least get the obvious ones. And the play where Ware was tripped right in front of the ref!? I almost spilled my reverse-osmosis purified water as I bolted to my feet and yelled my displeasure at that ref who takes steroids. Ed Hockaggleea…Hockughlee…Uhh..The one with big muscles.
LOVE: Dan Bailey is an offensive juggernaut! If we could amputate his leg and start it at running back, then we would have our own Adrian Peterson..And what I mean by that, is that we’d have a scoring machine that couldn’t hold on to the ball. Seriously though, with as many kicking problems as we’ve had in the last few seasons, it feels like a weight off of my Cowboy fan shoulders to see our kicker have a “Kobe Bryant type of night”. The White Mamba strikes again.
HATE: Kevin Ogletree is just a tease. He will never be a solid wide-receiver. He doesn’t even know the damn plays. He’s fast, yes. But I have a feeling he’s lazy as Hell during homework time. Many people said the same thing about Roy Williams. A lot of talent, but not a lot of “give-a-damn”. I’m starting to not “give-a-damn” about Ogletree.
LOVE: I have good news. Mike Jenkins’ injuries have gone from annoying, to hilarious. Whenever he stays on the ground, grabbing his face mask and squeezing his eyes shut, I used to groan and /facepalm myself. NOW I just laugh. It’s automatic. At LEAST once a game, usually more, he will fake-die on the field. If you were to play a drinking game where you took a shot everytime Jenkins acted injured, I think you would usually be going to work Monday or Tuesday with a hangover.
HATE: Alright, I’ll go ahead and say it. Monday Night Football sucks. Hear me out. Of course I love the CONCEPT of Monday Night Football. It extends our pro football weekend by an additional day. It gives us another day of guessing, analyzing, nail biting about our fantasy teams, and it gives us all a more pleasant ending to MONDAY, which we all know to be a pretty crappy day in comparison to other days of the week. (I will give Wednesday honorable mention because hump day can be maddening at times). But ESPN presents this sacred football night poorly. The intro is way too over-the-top and corny. I’m not a big fan of Tirico, Jaws, and Gruden either. The pre-game show is “bleh”. I can’t take Chris Berman for more than .43 seconds, and the fact that I like Keyshawn Johnson the most out of all of the analysts is sad. So sad. Sunday Night Football’s presentation is so much better. NBC makes Sunday Night Football FEEL like a big-time NFL game. ESPN seems to be making FUN of the NFL. I know that I am doomed to an entire year of this Nickelodeon crap on Monday nights, but I hope next year is different. Make a change, ESPN..And I’m not talking about replacing Hank Williams JR with Hank Williams the 3rd…Although that would be kind of badass.
I hope you enjoyed Love/Hate express. I would like to take a shower now. I smell like I just got a scratch-and-sniff onion tattooed onto my entire chest, and the tattoo artist was Lady Gaga’s belly button.
So there you go. The world’s most powerful weekly article known to mankind.
Twitter me @sethgrahamjones